So many things have been going through my mind over the last month or so. A lot about this past year. Changes I have made, whether it’s been intentional or not. This post isn’t meant to be a pity party. Its just some things that I need to get out even if no one ever reads this.
There are so many reasons why I started my keto journey. Weightloss, acceptance, love, health, children, confidence, etc. New years eve 2014, I logged onto Facebook and deleted my account. It had become so poisonous to my life to the point that I couldn’t flip through my news feed without feeling like absolute shit about myself. Three hundred something friends and not a single one that gave a damn about me. That’s all that Facebook had become. A site that was forcing me to give a damn about people who didn’t give a damn about me. So what was the point? .. Removing myself from that platform was the best decision I think I have ever made. Now, im sure you are thinking, “well why didnt you just make new friends?” ..Good question. Let me tell you why. I did. I tried. A lot. But it never worked out. I have lived in this town for ten years and I have never once felt like I fit in here. So, with deleting my Facebook, I also basically deleted every “friend” that I had in real life. The ones who only came around when they needed something or just wanted to get drunk. These people made me begin to hate myself. I was gaining weight. I was growing more depressed by each day. I was failing at life. Cutting everyone out was hard and amazing at the same time, and I will never regret that decision.
So, Keto. I was sitting unhappily at 180 pounds. To some of you that isnt a lot. But im 5’2. So on me, it was a lot. Its sad how much you go unnoticed when you are overweight too. We all think that it makes us stick out even more. But it doesn’t. You become invisible to everyone. So this transition of cutting everyone out of my life turned into an easy one. Because no one even noticed I was gone. No. One. So you can only imagine how that effected me later on. I even felt alienated from my boyfriend. He started going out more (without me), doing things at home (without me). I felt like no one wanted to be around me because I was fat and depressed. So I threw myself whole heartedly into keto and started losing weight and feeling better about myself and soon didnt give a shit about what anyone else thought or didnt think about me. Even my relationship improved. I still wasn’t ready to let anyone back into my life, but I was searching for an outlet. So thats where my Lazy Keto instagram began. Cooking has been my number one passion my whole life. And transitioning my cooking style to keto was seamless. So I started posting about it. And meeting others who were on the same life journey. Soon I found myself making amazing friends who I could relate to and feel accepted by. Because at the end of the day, thats what we all want. To be accepted. I found that and so much more.
It has propelled me into a better person who wants to better her life and go after her dreams when I never had the courage or confidence to do so before. I want to write a cook book and share my passion and recipes with anyone who is on that similar life path. We all want to lose weight and be pretty and loved. But overall, we just want to be happy. Right? .. most days any way.
But it all isn’t rainbows and sunshine. I get overwhelmed sometimes. I get afraid to let people down. I get afraid to be weak. I am still invisible in my day to day life. No one at work asks me how im doing or what ive been up to. Or notices when ive gotten a haircut or when im upset about something. Its just the place I live. Or maybe its just me, I dont know. Maybe im just not likable. Try coming to that realization… Its rough. And its one I think about ALL the time. I try to be a good person. Im nice to everyone. I hold doors open for people, say please and thank you, etc. But thats not always the kindness I get in return. Now dont get me wrong, I have some pretty amazing friends now. One that Ive met not too long ago and has quickly become a huge part of my life. She is the pharmacy tech where I fill my happy pills and one of the only people who remembered my name or asked me how I was doing after my surgery. A girl who knew nothing about me, but still cared to ask. It struck such a huge chord with me and I knew right then that I wanted to be apart of her life and have her be a part of mine. So I did what any normal girl would do… gave my number to the store manager and asked her to give it to her haha not creepy and stalkerish at all! But it worked!!!! And now she is my bestfriend. THE best kind of friend that I was always hoping I would find. And through my instagram page I have made many many other friends who are so dear to my heart. From the east coast to the west coast. And one particularly in Ohio that has so much of my heart and has stuck with me through so much for being someone i’ve never met face to face. She is 11 years younger than me, and you would never even know it.
Over the last month I have been jotting down some goals that I want to set for myself in 2016. Non of this new years resolution crap. Things that I should have done a long time ago but just couldn’t. Some of them arent even health related either. Ill post those goals closer to the end of the month since ive still been adding to it.
I guess my point with all of this, whether it be just for myself, or if someone else can take something from this, Just because you have a depression, or are invisible to the world, you can still find happiness. Find that one thing that makes your heart sing and hold onto it for dear life. No one else matters but you. You are always number one.