Let’s Get Uncomfortable

I’d like to take a few moments to talk about something that’s really serious.  It’s a topic that pretty much everyone avoids.  I don’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable with this, or make anyone worry, or worry about me.  I’m just dealing with a lot right now and really need to get some stuff out, and since I can’t really talk about this with anyone, what better way than to just talk to my laptop about it haha.. So the topic I would like to talk about is suicide.

If you have been following me for a while you know that I have depression and have recently been diagnosed with bipolar depression. Back in June I was offline for about 4 days.  I got a lot of messages asking where I was and if I was ok, etc.  To some I just told them I was busy.  To a few I actually told them the truth.  I had been in the hospital.  I spent two days in the psych ward being evaluated for suicidal thoughts/actions.  Which has lead to me actually being able to get the help that I need.  So all in all, it actually worked out for the best, even though it was probably the worst two days of my entire life.  I’ve been meeting with a social worker and had to go through all kinds of screening bullshit to see if I would be accepted into this mental health facility program.  Thankfully, I was accepted.  To be honest there were days when I was pretty scared and certain that I would not be accepted and I was terrified about what would happen to me after that. But, thank goodness I was and my first psych appt is next week.

The reason I am even wanting to talk about any of this is because if you are someone that deals with this, you know all too well that no one around you understands.  You may not feel the urge to end your life every single day, but it is always in the back of your mind. 24/7.  So when you have bad days or weeks, those feelings are escalated.  The thing that bothers me the most is when someone hurts you and then you express that they have hurt you, and they respond with, “You’re crazy, its just your depression making you this way, I haven’t done anything wrong”…… Ok, the first wrong thing they did was being a complete asshole by even saying that and trying to justify their actions by blaming your illness.  That breaks my heart every single time and just makes it even harder to want to make yourself relevant in someones life. There’s no point right?  Work has been a huge stress for me right now because I had been promised that I would be able to work half days on Wednesday’s so that I could have a mental break in the middle of the week and also be able to schedule all of my dr/psych appts on those days.  It was a struggle to get those days off and felt like my needs were not important.  I have become so accustomed to this in my life that it is sickening. Mental illness is such a huge problem in this world but no one gives two shits about it.  We don’t matter.  We are defective and don’t deserve compassion and understanding.  This is how I feel and am treated almost every single day of my life. So you have to ask yourself, constantly, “Why am I even alive anymore?” .. Why do you even bother with anything when all you are is a waste of space and a burden to everyone.  Of course there are the people that say they care about you and “you’re so special and everyone loves you”… That shit drives me nuts. It really does. I know certain people care about me, as I care for certain people. But those people also don’t have to live inside this mind and body and deal with how others treat me. It angers me when someone says that suicide is selfish. No, its really not. It’s selfish of the ones around us who want us to stay around knowing that we are suffering and TO US that is the only way out. I know that’s a harsh thing to say, but its true.

Laying all of this out there isn’t an easy thing to do. I spend 98% of my time online only spreading positive vibes on all my platforms, because no one needs to be subjected to my struggles. But this one I just really needed to get out because I  know there is someone out there who feels exactly the same way and they need to know that they aren’t alone. It’s hard living a life that no one around you understands.  It’s like being in another country and not being able to communicate with anyone.  Hell, half the time I don’t even understand myself, so I can only imagine how hard it is for others.  But that doesn’t mean that we are not important and should just be shoved aside.  I could sit here for hours telling you all of my triggers or bad things that have happened to me as a result of my illness, but the point is, I just really wish this world would change. I wish people would change. I swear, one of these days I am going to fix this system and the stigmas around mental illness. We all deserve that much.

14 thoughts on “Let’s Get Uncomfortable

  1. Love and hugs to you always. You are a brave, beautiful, kind and giving soul that deserves every happiness to rain down on you…..I have no words, but immense pride and gratitude that you have made such progress in finding joy for yourself and spreading that to others……and thankful you are taking care of you. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sonja says:

    I came to this page by accident googling “lazy keto.” I have struggled a lot with depression/anxiety myself and just wanted to say that I feel you. I was diagnosed in 2012 and only this year tried residential treatment for 2 months (which helped a ton). I don’t feel like I can tell anyone because it sounds really bad.. Thank you for sharing.

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  3. Vanessa Mardelle says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I just lost my sister to suicide 2 weeks ago. I can’t explain the horror of having to survive a loved one’s choice to end their life. You honestly question every single action, and word you’ve ever done/ said/ not said.
    It’s good to have some insight in to why this happened. This has definitely helped me understand where she was at.
    Thank you for sharing and likely saving someone’s life ❤️

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    • Hi Vanessa! Sorry it took me so long to respond.. my heart goes out to you so much for the loss of your sister. It pains me to know exactly what she must have been going through to take that leap. Its never an easy decision, but it gets to the point where there is no looking back and no other way out. That just breaks my heart, I know exactly what that feels like. I am glad that my post has brought you some insight to what she may have been feeling, and I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that it is not your fault, or anyone elses. It’s a hard thing for us to share with family members. I hope that in her decision she has found some peace and can finally rest. If you ever want to talk more about it in depth or have any questions that I may be able to help you with, please don’t hesitate to ask. ❤

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  4. Vanessa says:

    Thank you so much ❤️
    It’s nice to know there is somebody I can always talk to, who doesn’t even know me but I’d willing to make themselves available to me. That’s incredible, you’re incredible. Honestly, I can’t thank you enough.

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  5. Cindy Maimone says:

    The anniversary of my brothers suicide is May 24. He’ll be gone 4 years. I too suffered from depression for years (did the psych ward too) and still have bouts every now and then. It has only been through counseling, eating right and exercising that I am no longer on medication. Three years and going strong now. I also suffer from addiction and have been clean for almost 13 years. My only explanation for my brothers suicide is that the fear of the changing was greater than the fear of not living. I am so thankful that I had the courage to walk through that fear and come out on the other side. Don’t ever give up!! I have a God of my understanding which has been a catalyst for my recovery both from addiction and depression. Life has never been fair to me but once I stopped blaming everyone else and took responsibility for me, things began to change. I became responsible for my happiness. Lots of hugs to you!! Here’s to your continued success in all that you are and all that you do!!

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    • I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I will say a prayer for him tomorrow. I am also sorry to hear you have dealt with the same, but so happy to hear that you came out victorious! It’s a constant battle but I get stronger every day. Thank you so much for your comment. It brought a bright spot to my day.

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  6. Cindy Maimone says:

    The anniversary of my brothers suicide is May 24. He’ll be gone 4 years. I too suffered from depression for years (did the psych ward too) and still have bouts every now and then. It has only been through counseling, eating right and exercising that I am no longer on medication. Three years and going strong now. I also have the disease of addiction and have been clean for almost 13 years. My only explanation for my brothers suicide is that his fear of changing was greater than the fear of not living. I am so thankful that I had the courage to walk through that fear and come out on the other side. Don’t ever give up!! I have a God of my understanding which has been a catalyst for my recovery both from addiction and depression. Life has never been fair to me but once I stopped blaming everyone else and took responsibility for me, things began to change. I became responsible for my happiness. Lots of hugs to you!! Here’s to your continued success in all that you are and all that you do!!

    Like

  7. Jamie McGee says:

    So brave of you to share with others just what you are feeling and struggling with. I too have struggled with BD and suicidal thoughts off and on since I was a child. The way you described what you go through on a daily basis is exactly how I feel, but have never been able to explain my feelings exactly to others or put them into words like you have. You are an excellent writer and I will continue to read your page and check in from time to time. Love, strength, and hugs to you and to all of us who suffer from this “invisible illness”. 💗

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  8. Maura says:

    Reading more here, Lezlee…thank you for this post, and again, for your voice and your bravery. Suicide is a symptom of bipolar illness. Having a symptom of an illness is not selfish, not at all. There ARE other ways out of your thought patterns and there ARE other ways to feel better other than ending your life; the tricky part of depression is that your brain hides those other avenues from you or lies and says they won’t help. Even worse, our health care system is still in the dark ages when it comes to treating mental illness. Your voice helps end the stigma that makes it so hard for those of us with mental health to take care of ourselves, assert our needs, and demand treatment that has a greater chance of working.

    If you are open to newer avenues of treatment, I’d encourage you to do some googling about IV ketamine infusions for depression. I researched ketamine for 2 years, read every study on it, and finally took the leap to try this new treatment last year. It’s been effective beyond my wildest hopes, and it has essentially no downsides – you’re not actually “on” the medicine except for the 1-2 hours it takes to complete a full infusion and recover from feeling a bit woozy afterward. But it allows you to build new neural pathways, develop new habits. And clinical use suggests it doesn’t trigger mania for those who use it to treat the depression side of bipolar illness. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it might offer you some hope if you are feeling hopeless.

    I mentioned on another thread that my brother died by suicide. The morning after my first infusion, I cried like a baby – with joy that it was the first morning in 20 years that I awoke not only without a blanket of doom suffocating me, but also without physical pain (an unexpected benefit…I didn’t realize how much chronic pain I carried until it was lifted!) – but also with abject grief that my brother never had a day of relief like that. For some, ketamine’s effects wear off pretty quickly, and in that moment I knew that if it only lasted for a single day, that day would fuel my hope for a year, because I’d know that remission – full remission – was possible. It will just take some more medical advances to get there. Luckily, repeated maintenance infusions have kept working…not quite as dramatically, but well enough that I feel better now than I have in two decades. If my brother had had a simple 40 minute infusion the day before he died, I 100% believe he would still be here – not that the antidepressant effect would have lasted forever, but the memory of having had the depression truly and completely gone for a short while would have carried him through other days, given him hope. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be me without depression…and suddenly I was back!

    I just want to throw that info out there in case you might want a line of hope to grab onto. And if I’m reading too much into your July posts, please forgive me. But you matter enough for me to stop and type this for a stranger. You matter a lot.

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    • I seriously just want to cry reading this. It’s been so long since someone has actually cared this much about me to speak about what I deal with. I feel like everyone around me just pretends that it isn’t even real. I am def going to look into the infusions. I am so terrible about taking my meds and staying on them. But it’s funny, because when I go like a week off my meds and then take them again, that rush I feel the next morning is incredible. It does give you that sense of feeling normal without depression. Like I can conquer the freaking world haha so perhaps that’s what I’m always chasing and without knowing that’s why I stop taking my meds. Who knows. I never know what my brain is up to haha. I’m going to take down my post about going off IG. I’m feeling very vulnerable about it. So I’m just going to ghost myself away from that platform. I don’t feel I owe anyone an explanation. If they care enough to realize I’m gone then they can ask me themselves. Idk. I just feel like I’ve been dealing with way too much lately to then have to deal with online bullying for no reason at all. Talking to you is like a breath of fresh air.

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