Understanding Bipolar Disorder

I have been sitting at my laptop for the last three hours researching and watching YouTube videos about Bipolar Disorder, desperately trying to find a good explanation about the disorder to share with my fiance so that he may understand what I go through every day.  Life has been so rocky for me lately just trying to navigate my way around this. Since I was a teenager I knew I was bipolar, without knowing its name. I just knew how I felt and that something was very wrong with me. My parents didn’t understand it either, nor my doctor at the time. I can’t even tell you how many different doctors my mother took me to each week.  Trying to get an answer about why I was the way I was and what was causing me to be bulimic.  Once we started making progress and was recommended I seek counseling, it was all pushed under the rug. Leaving me to live in this confusing state of mind and having no grasp of myself.  Fast forward to my life today, I had my first psychiatrist appointment yesterday with my new doctor. I like her. She seems very knowledgeable and easy to talk to.  Which hasn’t been my experience in the past with other doctors. She prescribed me 3 new medications to start taking along with the one I have been on for the last 3 years. Today is day 1. I will be recording my day to day emotions and thought patterns in my notebook, and hope to share my results after two weeks when I go back to my dr. to talk about my experience.

But going back to why i’m writing this blog post. I want others to be able to google Bipolar and find actual examples of what it is like to live with this disorder instead of just finding the medical facts.

Each morning when I wake up I know exactly how my day is going to go. I’m either going to wake up and feel happy, like nothing is wrong, and I know its going to be a good day no matter what. Other days I wake up and hit the snooze button five times, slug my way out of bed to sit on the couch in the dark silence either trying to convince myself of why I need to go to work, or convince myself of why I don’t need to go. Why I should just kill myself because everyone at work hates me anyway.  I have to give myself a pep talk just to shower and get dressed and walk out the door.  As I drive to work I envision myself driving my car into a tree, or under a semi.  How easy it would be and then it would all be over. Just like that. Then I think about how it would break my mothers heart, and then I envision her crying at my funeral. I get sad, feel guilty. But then remind myself that she wouldn’t even care because she never loved me anyway. Do you see why this is an issue? Do you see that this is not normal?  This is the biggest struggle that I face with my disorder.

Then the other side is feeling like I’m the most important person in the world.  That I deserve everything I want and need it right then and now. Which leads to my over spending.  Constantly. I am always broke because I buy anything and everything I feel that I need in that moment. I cant even explain to you how amazing it feels when I get a package in the mail. Its the most exciting feeling; its like a drug. When I go days without receiving something, I get depressed.

Each night when I lay down to sleep, I replay in my mind every bad decision I have ever made.  Relationships I have screwed up because of my disorder, people I’ve pissed off, jobs I’ve walked out on, fights, money I shouldn’t have spent, etc.  I live with enormous amounts of regrets. Even over the stupidest things like making the wrong decision about what to get for dinner, or why did I buy that plate instead of that other one. Which leaves me buying double of something sometimes because I can’t decide and feel guilt about getting one over the other. I feel the heartache of every relationship that has ever ended. My mind replays these break ups on a loop every single day.

Sometimes I sit in a quiet room for hours just staring at the wall with nothing on my mind. Completely blank and numb. Sometimes I sleep for extended periods of time and still wake up exhausted. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, for days at a time. Sometimes I eat a lot, and other times I don’t eat at all. I know that my house is messy and that I need to clean it, but I can’t. Because i’m a piece of shit and deserve to live in filth. But then ill get a surge of energy and clean the house from top to bottom.

Hopelessness in amounts of no matter what anyone tells me, that they care about me, love me, that i’m special, popular, smart, talented; I feel like a complete failure and no one should be subjected to having to spend any time with me or around me. That I have screwed up so much in my life that I don’t deserve to live anymore because i’m just going to screw up my future and there is no point in living long enough to reach it. Even seeing things that I have accomplished is still never good enough. Tangible proof of success, and still viewing it as a failure. Needing constant reassurance that you are loved and cared for, even if you can’t believe it.

I get angry at everything. Sitting on the couch next to my fiance and his arm brushing mine can send me into a frenzy of anger. For no reason what so ever. Uncontrollable anger that just angers me more because I end up saying things I don’t mean, or have no control over what comes out of my mouth. Saying something in my head that I know will have a horrible consequence and tell myself I shouldn’t say it, but then say it anyway. Anger that is so intense that I literally feel my blood boiling. It’s completely irrational.

Things that I cannot stand to hear when i’m having an episode

  • “You haven’t taken your meds today have you?”
  • “Just lighten up”
  • “Get over it, life is hard for everyone, not just you”
  • “You seem fine to me”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with you, its all in your head”
  • “You’re faking it for attention”
  • “It’s not that big of a deal”

These are very destructive things that people have said to me, and i’m sure whoever is reading this, if you deal with this disorder, I know these things have been said to you as well. For the ones who don’t have this disorder and do not understand it, imagine yourself in a crowded room. People keep bumping into you and knocking you down.  You yell at them to stop, but no one hears you. Then everyone starts speaking another language and you hear it in a thousand different places and volumes inside the room.  Nothing you do shuts it all off and makes it go away. You start to sweat, get dizzy, feel sick to your stomach. But then in a blink of a eye, it’s gone.

I hope that this post has shed some light on this disorder and may help someone dealing with this be able to help someone in their life understand a little bit of what we go through. This isn’t even a fraction of the mood spectrum involved with this disorder. These are just the main ones that effect me the most. If you are dealing with Bipolar disorder and struggle with relationships around you, seek help. You don’t need to be afraid or embarrassed. There is hope out there for you, I promise. It’s not easy, and its not fun. Trial and error with medications is the worst part. Name a med, I’ve tried it. It’s all about getting the right combination. Please, just don’t give up. Help other understand you. It’s all we can do.

13 thoughts on “Understanding Bipolar Disorder

  1. You’re an amazing, incredible person for sharing this with the world. Mental health is something that is not taken lightly, but also thrown around too much. Bipolar is the new trendy diagnosis, like ADD has been for years. You’re an incredibly strong, beautiful person. If you have some free time, do some research on keto and bipolar. You’ll find some interesting stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks girl, that means a lot to me. I have read some things about keto and bipolar. Its crazy how much being on keto has effected my depression. it has leveled me out so much. I agree with it being the new trendy diagnosis. When I was “interviewing” for the facility that ive been accepted to, they kept acting like I wouldnt be accepted because my dr thought I was bipolar. they acted like it wasnt a big deal and was just depressed. I had to be evaluated 3 more times before they accepted me. freaking ridiculous.


  2. I know I commented on instagram, too, but so much of this is so very familiar to me. Only in the last month have meds started helping me. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that you are so far from being alone. It’s fucked up my marriage, my parenting, my relationships with my family members, and landed me in a psych facility (a traumatizing, shitty, corrupt place, no less). And I’ve only ever wanted the ppl in my life to understand. Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for commenting. I sympathize with all youve said so much. I completely agree with the facility description. definitely one of the worst experiences of my life. the worst part of all of this, is if people would just try to understand us, it would all be so much smoother. But we get treated like we are stupid and broken and not worth the time and effort. I appreciate you, thank you.


  3. Kelly says:

    I’m being successfully treated for bipolar disorder, too. This was a good post. What you’re feeling is normal for someone with bipolar. Still, I hope that your new doctor will be able to help you. Just remember, share your concerns and unlikeable side effects with her so she can adjust meds as necessary. I finally found the right doctor, this year, and it feels good to feel even. You’ll get there. I believe it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your comment! I’ve started a notebook so I can keep track of how I’m feeling each day on it. Cuz I know if I don’t I’ll get in there and won’t be able to fully explain myself haha I’m so happy to know you are having success. It makes me so hopeful for a normal future.


  4. Bunny says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. It’s like reading through the story of my life and just makes me feel that little bit less crazy that someone else is feeling these things too, and I’m not just being an over sensitive arse the whole time.

    I’ve been off meds now for about a year as I was just ready to give up with them, but this has given me hope that I could get it more sorted and together than it was.

    I’m rambling anyway, and just wanted to say thank you, so so much x


  5. Leslie says:

    You are so incredible and courageous to speak about this so freely. Like many others it was like you were telling my story. You talk about regret with decisions you have made. That is a large part of my bipolar. I still punish myself emotionally for the pain ive caused, pain to myself, getting fired, arrested, etc. I know i will never be happy or content, feel positive emotions but getting older has gotten better to manage this deep dark monster. Im going to try the keto diet bc of the success you and others have had! Keep up the hard work and happy you are engaged and providing good information to your fiance!


  6. Jackie says:

    Wow , i always assumed i was but never really ever been diagnosed , my last encounter with a psychologist was horrible.. i felt rushed ignored and like i was being belittled.. one of the psychiatrist in the office told me i was to young (24 at the time) to feel exactly how u feel that i need to get out of the house and fight through it.. ha! Easier said than done. I gave up after that.. the other psychiatrist just treated me lile a lab rat throwing medicine at me after telling her the first medicine made me feel suicidal and have suicidal thoughts. 😐 everything u feel , imagine ( i call them endless movie reels) and go through daily is exactly how i feel everyday.. i get enraged with anger for the littlest things and sometimes for no reason at all. I get a burst of energy followed by sadness After reading your experience i feel its time to find a good doctor to help me. . I also deal with severe anxiety , general and social. I also think i have adult add or adhd but have yet to find that out since i was never diagnosed. Thank you so much for speaking about this youve opened my eyes to such a bigger picture and i dont feel so alone or crazy.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kitty says:

    Hey I just wanted to say I just found your blog and it’s nice to find another bipolar person doing keto. I finally got on the right combo of meds less than a year ago and now I’m actually just on one and it’s been amazing. I haven’t gotten a high or low in months. I’m pretty much just under what I’d consider “normal” but that’s okay, it’s better than constant depression with occasional mania mixed in!

    My boyfriend has been amazing throughout all of it. He was there for me when I was first officially diagnosed and when I had to go in patient (because I went off my meds, of course). After that, I told him I *want* him to ask me if I’ve taken my meds when he feels like I’m being manic. I never want to go off my meds again, no matter how amazing I feel. Nothing is worth going inpatient again.

    I really hope you’re able to trust your fiance and work out a “signal” or phrase he can say to you while you’re up or down to help you, without you taking it too bad. I would be livid if anyone else asked me if I’d taken my meds, but I know if he asks, it’s because he really cares about me and is concerned about my well-being.

    I’m thankfully in a place with my illness and meds that I’m pretty much stable, but I know that’s going to change at some point when my illness changes or my meds stop working. It’s important to have someone that understands what I need when that happens.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nikkii says:

    I’ve struggled with bipolar since I was a teen and was only recently diagnosed formally with it. The medications have made me gain almost 15lbs in just a few months. I hate it. But they make me feel better, sometimes I feel like I don’t “need” them, and then other days I do.

    Bipolar is such a confusing disorder to have.

    Your explanation is so accurate.


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