A Plague On Both Your Houses

2017 has been a real crap show for my family.  Well, for the entire world too I should say.  But this year has def tipped the scales as one of the worst years that I can remember for my fiance, myself and my Mom and Dad.  Starting off the beginning of the year in April when I got into a car accident.  That has single handedly thrown our lives upside down.  Between recovery, medical bills, lawyer stuff, emotional damages, lost wages.  Oh, did I mention that I also lost my job?  My jerk of a boss didn’t want to wait for me to heal up and come back.  So she came up with a laundry list of reasons to fire me to make herself feel better.  I was upset at first, but you know, it was for the best.  She was pretty crappy to me anyway.  And the thought of having to go back to that job after all that had happened was stressing me out and making recovery even worse.  Being let go was def not how I wanted to go out.  But here we are.  So we’ve been busting our asses to make ends meet, living off of my fiances income alone, and me trying to push my business as hard as I can to make an extra dollar to help out.  Wanna test your relationship? Get into financial trouble. Luckily we are strong enough to have kicked it all in the face and have made it work.  It has not been easy by any means.  Still isn’t.  Most weeks we cant even afford to buy groceries.  I’ve never eaten so many eggs in my life.  I’m pretty sure I hate them now.  But we adult and we do what needs to be done.  Because that’s what adults do right? eh. Being an adult is fucking awful.

So, the next event on our list is of my Father.  This happened in early August.  He was working in his shop and was using his metal belt sander and the bristles caught a rag he has in his hand, pulling his hand into the machine and cutting off his ring finger on his left hand.  I could show you the pictures, but you’d probably hate me afterwards.  So, distress, medical bills, missing a fucking finger.  Yeah, not how I would want to spend my summer.  And of course this had happened merely days before they were to leave out of town on a trip to mexico for Ballooning (my parents have a hot air balloon business).  Needless to say, I begged them not to go.  Who knew what kind of medical attention he would get if something happened, because the area they were going to was pretty remote.  But, they went anyway.  No way they were going to waste all the weeks of planning for the trip.  A handful of other mishaps happened on their trip, all that I cant recall at the moment, but I just remember my mother texting me and telling me about something new and shitty just about every day.  Especially the day when she texted to tell me that she now has shingles from all the stress she has been under.  So, needless to say they threw in the towel and cut their trip short and came on home.  My mother was down for at least two weeks because of the pain.  I don’t think i’ve ever seen her in so much pain before.  It was horrible.

So weeks go by, things seem to be getting better, slightly getting back to normal.  And then my parents home gets broken into.  Robbing them of the most ridiculous things that would have no value to any person other than my parents.  Well, except for their brand new tv that they had JUST bought for themselves.  They took files, and my fathers flight logs of that past 30 years.  Why the hell would someone take some fucking flight logs?? It was sitting right next to his Go Pro camera, but their dumbasses decided to take his flight logs.  We will never understand that reasoning.  So they had to spend more money, fixing the doors they broke, replacing material items, installing a security system, trying to regain your sense of peace and trying to somehow recap that fucking 30 years of flight logs.  What a fucking mess it was.  One afternoon while I was over there my dad shared with me that he had woken up the night before in a panic because he was dreaming that he couldn’t find his wedding ring.  He had had it off of course because of his finger.  Gone. His wedding ring was gone.  The low life garbage humans found his ring and of course took it too.  My heart seriously broke for him.  I’ve never been filled with so much rage.  I will never comprehend how people can do these things to others with no regard. It truly sickens me.

So now to this past couple weeks.  I have been having some crazy bleeding (for three straight weeks).  Went to the doctor to see whats going on, and got referred out to have an internal ultrasound.  Its not uncommon for me to have crazy things going on with my lady parts as I have PCOS and a cornucopia of cysts partying with my ovaries.  So I figured that it would just be another routine ultrasound to tell me some of them had ruptured or whatnot.  Nothing new.  Well, turned out way more grim that expected and was the news that I always knew I would receive one day.

Possibly Cancer.

CANCER? REALLY? FOR FUCKS SAKE.  What else are we going to get thrown at us this year?  I always knew it would come for me eventually though. My mother had the same thing when she was about my age.  It was shortly after she had me.  Ovarian cancer.  And hers started exactly like this.  The lining of my uterus has thickened to the point of lesions and a bunch of other medical mumbo jumbo that I dont particularly understand.  But my doctors phoned me himself to give me the news.  In the 8 years ive been seeing him, that has never happened before.  I almost threw up when he told me.  What do you even do with that kind of news?  So, I go tomorrow for a biopsy of my uterus to see exactly whats going on and how soon we should operate. And if anything can be saved or if it all has to come out.  Right before my wedding mind you. ( nov 11).  And there also goes my chance of ever being a mother right along with it. The feeling of giving up on life has never been stronger.

So now onto the last few days.  We have been in the emergency room twice in the last 2 days because my fiance is having an allergic reaction to something we cant quite pin point.  He thinks it was due to some soap that he used in a hotel over the weekend while he was out of town.  But we aren’t completely sure.  He woke up early this morning at 2 am with burning skin, blurred vision and dizziness. So back to the hospital we went for the second time in 24 hours.  Allergic reactions are something I do not mess with.  I had one when I was 20 and almost died.  So the first sign of hives and im taking action lol. I basically had to force him into the car to go to the hospital.  He’s a typical dude. Doesn’t think he needs medical attention.  But that second trip would prove otherwise.

So now we wait. Wait for the next blow that life is going to deal us before the year ends.  Im getting scared to even have our wedding now in November.  What horrible thing is going to happen during that? 2017 needs to flee with a quickness before we all lose our damn minds. I guess ill probably make another post after tomorrow when I know more after my doctor appt.

wish me luck. I could really use it.

More ramble 

When was the last time you thought that the world would be better without you? We’ve all thought it, you know you have.  I think about it pretty frequently.  I think it’s normal to a certain extent.  But sometimes it’s just like, ok enough is enough.  Why do we even exist? Life is hard as fuck and it never gets easier.  The “good” moments in life are so few and far between that seriously it’s not even worth it.  You work your ass off to be good at something and you still fail.  You try to be a good person and still end up hurting someone.  You try to do the right thing and still fuck it all up.  A never ending cycle of disappointment.  And who gets to pay for all of your mistakes? The people closest to you.  Whose lives would improve 100 percent if you weren’t around.  Because you’re that failure in their life.  You’re that person hurting them.  You’re that person fucking up their life.  So why not remove that factor.  Finally do something good by removing yourself.  That’s really the only way I feel like I can be the best version of myself.  The version that isn’t around. 
There’s plenty of other places on the internet that people can learn about keto. If my page stopped everyone would just search for the next one.  It’s not like mine is perfect anyhow.  I fail more times with my weight and diet than I succeed.  I don’t want to be the example of failure anymore.  Friends have already started to move on.  On to shiny new friends who are cooler and better at being a friend.  I really don’t blame them.  I feel bad for anyone who has me as a friend.  I’m sad all the time.  I keep to myself.  I don’t answer phone calls.  Im even bad at returning texts.  I disappear often.  And just cut the world out.  I do care for these people though, I swear.  I just don’t know how to show it properly. 
Happiness isn’t something that my mind understands.  Fake happiness that just comes through as numbness.  Just like all the other emotions.  Except for sadness.  Why can’t there be a mental illness that makes you only feel happiness?  The chemicals in your brain make you feel like anything is possible and everything is perfect all the time.  I want that illness.  Not this bullshit one I have. 

I decided to start taking my meds again.  Idk if I’ve mentioned that recently.  Maybe I did.  I can’t remember.  My friend filled them for me and brought them to me.  I love her.  She’s good to me.  I wish I could be as good to her.  She deserves it more than anyone in the world.  I wonder if she is happy that I’m going to take my meds again.  I just want someone to be proud of me.  I want my family to be proud of me.  No matter what I will always be the child who can never make it on her own.  But do I blame my illness? Or am I really just a shit person?  I do try to be good at things.  At life.  So hard.  Hoping to finally do something right. 

I just want to do something right. 

Ramble 

I realize just how much time I spend criticizing myself in my head. 
So much that I can’t even focus on what’s in front of me. Why are you like this? Why can’t you manage your weight like you used to? You’re disgusting. You’re a disappointment. Why did you wear this outfit today, you look horrible. You look fat. Sit up straight. Why are you slouching. It makes you look fatter. Stop thinking about shit that happened forever ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. But wait, it does matter. Concentrate on what they’re saying to you. Don’t tune them out. Pay attention. Ask a question. Show them you’re paying attention. Stop slouching. Did you remember to answer that email? Fuck. Answer that email. Why didn’t you take your meds today? Take them when you get home. Where is your motivation. Why are you so unhappy. 

I live inside my mind. 

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in life. I thought meds were supposed to help me with that. I feel let down in a way. 

But I press on. Willing myself to take them at the proper times each day. Hell, sometimes just willing myself to take them at all. Patterns just aren’t my thing apparently. 

The internet is a scary place. I used to feel so free and happy about posting things or talking about certain things about myself to friends and vice versa. we were all just forming friendships and support; Building a family. But now I feel nervous sometimes to open back up like that. The feeling in the back of my head that you’re just being judged. It sucks to think you can’t please everyone. Like it’s my own shortcoming. I just want everyone to be good. 

I just want to have fun again. I’m tired of things always being so serious. My journey was so much easier that way. I stayed on track more. Creating recipes excited me. I wasn’t as depressed. I had a purpose. Now I just feel like a nuisance. 

So you say, alright. This is it. I’m gonna take a break for a little while. Go be ME. But seriously what the fuck does that even mean. Sure, I have way too many hobbies but my passion IS where I choose to put it most. But how does that define? I live with this overwhelming feeling that something is missing. But can never quite figure it out. But the internet gives me gratitude sometimes. Often gives me joy. So we all come back. It’s become a psychological drug. 

Hi, if you’ve made it this far and you’re new here? Hello, I live with depression, high anxiety and I’m bipolar. PCOS and gluten intolerant. We all have our shit I guess. 

Are you uncomfortable now? 

It’s ok, I am too. 

I think I change my hair so much because I’m waiting for that right color that makes me feel complete. Confident even. The adventure is fun though. The never ending search for contentment. 

How do you get that fire back. How do you stop feeling like a failure. How do I get myself to stop getting up and eating cereal in the middle of the night. I feel like a brick wall that’s been smashed into by a speeding car. Oh wait… bad analogy. But still time consuming to reconstruct. I need to reconstruct. 

I need to reconstruct. 

Srirachoy Is Here!

The time has FINALLY come!!!!! My sauce is finally available!!!!!! It all still feels like a dream! I don’t think it will feel real until im in the kitchen this weekend making up my first giant batch!!! I cannot thank everyone enough for seeing me through this entire process and always having my back! I can’t wait to see where this takes us!

You can purchase a jar on my new website! http://www.Srirachoy.com

If you don’t know about Srirachoy yet, It’s a low carb/keto friendly sauce that I have created! It’s a sweet and spicy combination suitable for meats and veggies! I’ve seen folks use it as a dipping sauce, dressings, etc.  It’s possibilities are only limited to your imagination!

Hello

I’ve noticed that I’ve gained some new followers to my blog lately.  So, hi 🙂 Welcome to my emotional garbage can… and recipe site. If you haven’t gone back and read any previous blogs, I’ll sum that up for you. I write about things I go through with being bipolar; then I’ll write about random things sometimes. Just whatever needs letting out. 

I go through spurts when I don’t hardly write at all. Then others when I write every other day. 

I post my favorite recipes here that I deem worthy of being posted. I create a lot of other small things here and there, but not all are spectacular enough to be shared. You know what I mean? .. so yeah. Good recipes only. 

So, I hope you enjoy your choice to follow my blog. 

Talk to you later. 

“Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Recently I was asked to tell the story of my engagement! It was quite a memorable one and I couldn’t have been more surprised! We took our first vacation together last year in August ’15.  We drove down to my home state of Florida and went to Disney and Universal, of course, so we could go to Harry Potter world.  We made our first stop in Daytona Beach so Matthew could visit his late fathers wife where they lived together on that beautiful coast line. After two days we made our way to Orlando, found ourselves a random hotel and enjoyed the city for the night. The next morning we headed to Universal bright and early as to try and be the first ones into park.  We weren’t the first, but were in a group of about 10! So, close enough! First stop was Ollivander’s Wand Shop! We sat through the little opening scene and watched two little girls get chosen to have wands picked for them, and then watch them beg and plead with their parents to purchase them haha So then it was our turn to go into the shop and find wands of our own! The night before we had researched all the wands so we could immediately pick out the ones we wanted! At this point everyone else had exited the shop and made their way into the gift area next door. It was just alone in the shop! What a perfect coincidence! and then it happened…..

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I immediately burst into tears and shouted “DUH!!” at his proposal haha It was incredible. I don’t think I could have asked for a better proposal than that.  He’s a keeper, that Matthew.

We went on to spend two full days at Universal and then spent two days with a friend on mine in Orlando that i’ve known all my life. It’s so crazy being back home and seeing how things have changed. I miss it so much sometimes.

Later in the year we had our engagement pictures done so I thought I would share some of those as well!

And the best one of all……….

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I hope you’ve enjoyed our story!! ❤

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

I have been sitting at my laptop for the last three hours researching and watching YouTube videos about Bipolar Disorder, desperately trying to find a good explanation about the disorder to share with my fiance so that he may understand what I go through every day.  Life has been so rocky for me lately just trying to navigate my way around this. Since I was a teenager I knew I was bipolar, without knowing its name. I just knew how I felt and that something was very wrong with me. My parents didn’t understand it either, nor my doctor at the time. I can’t even tell you how many different doctors my mother took me to each week.  Trying to get an answer about why I was the way I was and what was causing me to be bulimic.  Once we started making progress and was recommended I seek counseling, it was all pushed under the rug. Leaving me to live in this confusing state of mind and having no grasp of myself.  Fast forward to my life today, I had my first psychiatrist appointment yesterday with my new doctor. I like her. She seems very knowledgeable and easy to talk to.  Which hasn’t been my experience in the past with other doctors. She prescribed me 3 new medications to start taking along with the one I have been on for the last 3 years. Today is day 1. I will be recording my day to day emotions and thought patterns in my notebook, and hope to share my results after two weeks when I go back to my dr. to talk about my experience.

But going back to why i’m writing this blog post. I want others to be able to google Bipolar and find actual examples of what it is like to live with this disorder instead of just finding the medical facts.

Each morning when I wake up I know exactly how my day is going to go. I’m either going to wake up and feel happy, like nothing is wrong, and I know its going to be a good day no matter what. Other days I wake up and hit the snooze button five times, slug my way out of bed to sit on the couch in the dark silence either trying to convince myself of why I need to go to work, or convince myself of why I don’t need to go. Why I should just kill myself because everyone at work hates me anyway.  I have to give myself a pep talk just to shower and get dressed and walk out the door.  As I drive to work I envision myself driving my car into a tree, or under a semi.  How easy it would be and then it would all be over. Just like that. Then I think about how it would break my mothers heart, and then I envision her crying at my funeral. I get sad, feel guilty. But then remind myself that she wouldn’t even care because she never loved me anyway. Do you see why this is an issue? Do you see that this is not normal?  This is the biggest struggle that I face with my disorder.

Then the other side is feeling like I’m the most important person in the world.  That I deserve everything I want and need it right then and now. Which leads to my over spending.  Constantly. I am always broke because I buy anything and everything I feel that I need in that moment. I cant even explain to you how amazing it feels when I get a package in the mail. Its the most exciting feeling; its like a drug. When I go days without receiving something, I get depressed.

Each night when I lay down to sleep, I replay in my mind every bad decision I have ever made.  Relationships I have screwed up because of my disorder, people I’ve pissed off, jobs I’ve walked out on, fights, money I shouldn’t have spent, etc.  I live with enormous amounts of regrets. Even over the stupidest things like making the wrong decision about what to get for dinner, or why did I buy that plate instead of that other one. Which leaves me buying double of something sometimes because I can’t decide and feel guilt about getting one over the other. I feel the heartache of every relationship that has ever ended. My mind replays these break ups on a loop every single day.

Sometimes I sit in a quiet room for hours just staring at the wall with nothing on my mind. Completely blank and numb. Sometimes I sleep for extended periods of time and still wake up exhausted. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, for days at a time. Sometimes I eat a lot, and other times I don’t eat at all. I know that my house is messy and that I need to clean it, but I can’t. Because i’m a piece of shit and deserve to live in filth. But then ill get a surge of energy and clean the house from top to bottom.

Hopelessness in amounts of no matter what anyone tells me, that they care about me, love me, that i’m special, popular, smart, talented; I feel like a complete failure and no one should be subjected to having to spend any time with me or around me. That I have screwed up so much in my life that I don’t deserve to live anymore because i’m just going to screw up my future and there is no point in living long enough to reach it. Even seeing things that I have accomplished is still never good enough. Tangible proof of success, and still viewing it as a failure. Needing constant reassurance that you are loved and cared for, even if you can’t believe it.

I get angry at everything. Sitting on the couch next to my fiance and his arm brushing mine can send me into a frenzy of anger. For no reason what so ever. Uncontrollable anger that just angers me more because I end up saying things I don’t mean, or have no control over what comes out of my mouth. Saying something in my head that I know will have a horrible consequence and tell myself I shouldn’t say it, but then say it anyway. Anger that is so intense that I literally feel my blood boiling. It’s completely irrational.

Things that I cannot stand to hear when i’m having an episode

  • “You haven’t taken your meds today have you?”
  • “Just lighten up”
  • “Get over it, life is hard for everyone, not just you”
  • “You seem fine to me”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with you, its all in your head”
  • “You’re faking it for attention”
  • “It’s not that big of a deal”

These are very destructive things that people have said to me, and i’m sure whoever is reading this, if you deal with this disorder, I know these things have been said to you as well. For the ones who don’t have this disorder and do not understand it, imagine yourself in a crowded room. People keep bumping into you and knocking you down.  You yell at them to stop, but no one hears you. Then everyone starts speaking another language and you hear it in a thousand different places and volumes inside the room.  Nothing you do shuts it all off and makes it go away. You start to sweat, get dizzy, feel sick to your stomach. But then in a blink of a eye, it’s gone.

I hope that this post has shed some light on this disorder and may help someone dealing with this be able to help someone in their life understand a little bit of what we go through. This isn’t even a fraction of the mood spectrum involved with this disorder. These are just the main ones that effect me the most. If you are dealing with Bipolar disorder and struggle with relationships around you, seek help. You don’t need to be afraid or embarrassed. There is hope out there for you, I promise. It’s not easy, and its not fun. Trial and error with medications is the worst part. Name a med, I’ve tried it. It’s all about getting the right combination. Please, just don’t give up. Help other understand you. It’s all we can do.