Srirachoy Is Here!

The time has FINALLY come!!!!! My sauce is finally available!!!!!! It all still feels like a dream! I don’t think it will feel real until im in the kitchen this weekend making up my first giant batch!!! I cannot thank everyone enough for seeing me through this entire process and always having my back! I can’t wait to see where this takes us!

You can purchase a jar on my new website! http://www.Srirachoy.com

If you don’t know about Srirachoy yet, It’s a low carb/keto friendly sauce that I have created! It’s a sweet and spicy combination suitable for meats and veggies! I’ve seen folks use it as a dipping sauce, dressings, etc.  It’s possibilities are only limited to your imagination!

Hello

I’ve noticed that I’ve gained some new followers to my blog lately.  So, hi 🙂 Welcome to my emotional garbage can… and recipe site. If you haven’t gone back and read any previous blogs, I’ll sum that up for you. I write about things I go through with being bipolar; then I’ll write about random things sometimes. Just whatever needs letting out. 

I go through spurts when I don’t hardly write at all. Then others when I write every other day. 

I post my favorite recipes here that I deem worthy of being posted. I create a lot of other small things here and there, but not all are spectacular enough to be shared. You know what I mean? .. so yeah. Good recipes only. 

So, I hope you enjoy your choice to follow my blog. 

Talk to you later. 

“Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Recently I was asked to tell the story of my engagement! It was quite a memorable one and I couldn’t have been more surprised! We took our first vacation together last year in August ’15.  We drove down to my home state of Florida and went to Disney and Universal, of course, so we could go to Harry Potter world.  We made our first stop in Daytona Beach so Matthew could visit his late fathers wife where they lived together on that beautiful coast line. After two days we made our way to Orlando, found ourselves a random hotel and enjoyed the city for the night. The next morning we headed to Universal bright and early as to try and be the first ones into park.  We weren’t the first, but were in a group of about 10! So, close enough! First stop was Ollivander’s Wand Shop! We sat through the little opening scene and watched two little girls get chosen to have wands picked for them, and then watch them beg and plead with their parents to purchase them haha So then it was our turn to go into the shop and find wands of our own! The night before we had researched all the wands so we could immediately pick out the ones we wanted! At this point everyone else had exited the shop and made their way into the gift area next door. It was just alone in the shop! What a perfect coincidence! and then it happened…..

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I immediately burst into tears and shouted “DUH!!” at his proposal haha It was incredible. I don’t think I could have asked for a better proposal than that.  He’s a keeper, that Matthew.

We went on to spend two full days at Universal and then spent two days with a friend on mine in Orlando that i’ve known all my life. It’s so crazy being back home and seeing how things have changed. I miss it so much sometimes.

Later in the year we had our engagement pictures done so I thought I would share some of those as well!

And the best one of all……….

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I hope you’ve enjoyed our story!! ❤

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

I have been sitting at my laptop for the last three hours researching and watching YouTube videos about Bipolar Disorder, desperately trying to find a good explanation about the disorder to share with my fiance so that he may understand what I go through every day.  Life has been so rocky for me lately just trying to navigate my way around this. Since I was a teenager I knew I was bipolar, without knowing its name. I just knew how I felt and that something was very wrong with me. My parents didn’t understand it either, nor my doctor at the time. I can’t even tell you how many different doctors my mother took me to each week.  Trying to get an answer about why I was the way I was and what was causing me to be bulimic.  Once we started making progress and was recommended I seek counseling, it was all pushed under the rug. Leaving me to live in this confusing state of mind and having no grasp of myself.  Fast forward to my life today, I had my first psychiatrist appointment yesterday with my new doctor. I like her. She seems very knowledgeable and easy to talk to.  Which hasn’t been my experience in the past with other doctors. She prescribed me 3 new medications to start taking along with the one I have been on for the last 3 years. Today is day 1. I will be recording my day to day emotions and thought patterns in my notebook, and hope to share my results after two weeks when I go back to my dr. to talk about my experience.

But going back to why i’m writing this blog post. I want others to be able to google Bipolar and find actual examples of what it is like to live with this disorder instead of just finding the medical facts.

Each morning when I wake up I know exactly how my day is going to go. I’m either going to wake up and feel happy, like nothing is wrong, and I know its going to be a good day no matter what. Other days I wake up and hit the snooze button five times, slug my way out of bed to sit on the couch in the dark silence either trying to convince myself of why I need to go to work, or convince myself of why I don’t need to go. Why I should just kill myself because everyone at work hates me anyway.  I have to give myself a pep talk just to shower and get dressed and walk out the door.  As I drive to work I envision myself driving my car into a tree, or under a semi.  How easy it would be and then it would all be over. Just like that. Then I think about how it would break my mothers heart, and then I envision her crying at my funeral. I get sad, feel guilty. But then remind myself that she wouldn’t even care because she never loved me anyway. Do you see why this is an issue? Do you see that this is not normal?  This is the biggest struggle that I face with my disorder.

Then the other side is feeling like I’m the most important person in the world.  That I deserve everything I want and need it right then and now. Which leads to my over spending.  Constantly. I am always broke because I buy anything and everything I feel that I need in that moment. I cant even explain to you how amazing it feels when I get a package in the mail. Its the most exciting feeling; its like a drug. When I go days without receiving something, I get depressed.

Each night when I lay down to sleep, I replay in my mind every bad decision I have ever made.  Relationships I have screwed up because of my disorder, people I’ve pissed off, jobs I’ve walked out on, fights, money I shouldn’t have spent, etc.  I live with enormous amounts of regrets. Even over the stupidest things like making the wrong decision about what to get for dinner, or why did I buy that plate instead of that other one. Which leaves me buying double of something sometimes because I can’t decide and feel guilt about getting one over the other. I feel the heartache of every relationship that has ever ended. My mind replays these break ups on a loop every single day.

Sometimes I sit in a quiet room for hours just staring at the wall with nothing on my mind. Completely blank and numb. Sometimes I sleep for extended periods of time and still wake up exhausted. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, for days at a time. Sometimes I eat a lot, and other times I don’t eat at all. I know that my house is messy and that I need to clean it, but I can’t. Because i’m a piece of shit and deserve to live in filth. But then ill get a surge of energy and clean the house from top to bottom.

Hopelessness in amounts of no matter what anyone tells me, that they care about me, love me, that i’m special, popular, smart, talented; I feel like a complete failure and no one should be subjected to having to spend any time with me or around me. That I have screwed up so much in my life that I don’t deserve to live anymore because i’m just going to screw up my future and there is no point in living long enough to reach it. Even seeing things that I have accomplished is still never good enough. Tangible proof of success, and still viewing it as a failure. Needing constant reassurance that you are loved and cared for, even if you can’t believe it.

I get angry at everything. Sitting on the couch next to my fiance and his arm brushing mine can send me into a frenzy of anger. For no reason what so ever. Uncontrollable anger that just angers me more because I end up saying things I don’t mean, or have no control over what comes out of my mouth. Saying something in my head that I know will have a horrible consequence and tell myself I shouldn’t say it, but then say it anyway. Anger that is so intense that I literally feel my blood boiling. It’s completely irrational.

Things that I cannot stand to hear when i’m having an episode

  • “You haven’t taken your meds today have you?”
  • “Just lighten up”
  • “Get over it, life is hard for everyone, not just you”
  • “You seem fine to me”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with you, its all in your head”
  • “You’re faking it for attention”
  • “It’s not that big of a deal”

These are very destructive things that people have said to me, and i’m sure whoever is reading this, if you deal with this disorder, I know these things have been said to you as well. For the ones who don’t have this disorder and do not understand it, imagine yourself in a crowded room. People keep bumping into you and knocking you down.  You yell at them to stop, but no one hears you. Then everyone starts speaking another language and you hear it in a thousand different places and volumes inside the room.  Nothing you do shuts it all off and makes it go away. You start to sweat, get dizzy, feel sick to your stomach. But then in a blink of a eye, it’s gone.

I hope that this post has shed some light on this disorder and may help someone dealing with this be able to help someone in their life understand a little bit of what we go through. This isn’t even a fraction of the mood spectrum involved with this disorder. These are just the main ones that effect me the most. If you are dealing with Bipolar disorder and struggle with relationships around you, seek help. You don’t need to be afraid or embarrassed. There is hope out there for you, I promise. It’s not easy, and its not fun. Trial and error with medications is the worst part. Name a med, I’ve tried it. It’s all about getting the right combination. Please, just don’t give up. Help other understand you. It’s all we can do.

Let’s Get Uncomfortable

I’d like to take a few moments to talk about something that’s really serious.  It’s a topic that pretty much everyone avoids.  I don’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable with this, or make anyone worry, or worry about me.  I’m just dealing with a lot right now and really need to get some stuff out, and since I can’t really talk about this with anyone, what better way than to just talk to my laptop about it haha.. So the topic I would like to talk about is suicide.

If you have been following me for a while you know that I have depression and have recently been diagnosed with bipolar depression. Back in June I was offline for about 4 days.  I got a lot of messages asking where I was and if I was ok, etc.  To some I just told them I was busy.  To a few I actually told them the truth.  I had been in the hospital.  I spent two days in the psych ward being evaluated for suicidal thoughts/actions.  Which has lead to me actually being able to get the help that I need.  So all in all, it actually worked out for the best, even though it was probably the worst two days of my entire life.  I’ve been meeting with a social worker and had to go through all kinds of screening bullshit to see if I would be accepted into this mental health facility program.  Thankfully, I was accepted.  To be honest there were days when I was pretty scared and certain that I would not be accepted and I was terrified about what would happen to me after that. But, thank goodness I was and my first psych appt is next week.

The reason I am even wanting to talk about any of this is because if you are someone that deals with this, you know all too well that no one around you understands.  You may not feel the urge to end your life every single day, but it is always in the back of your mind. 24/7.  So when you have bad days or weeks, those feelings are escalated.  The thing that bothers me the most is when someone hurts you and then you express that they have hurt you, and they respond with, “You’re crazy, its just your depression making you this way, I haven’t done anything wrong”…… Ok, the first wrong thing they did was being a complete asshole by even saying that and trying to justify their actions by blaming your illness.  That breaks my heart every single time and just makes it even harder to want to make yourself relevant in someones life. There’s no point right?  Work has been a huge stress for me right now because I had been promised that I would be able to work half days on Wednesday’s so that I could have a mental break in the middle of the week and also be able to schedule all of my dr/psych appts on those days.  It was a struggle to get those days off and felt like my needs were not important.  I have become so accustomed to this in my life that it is sickening. Mental illness is such a huge problem in this world but no one gives two shits about it.  We don’t matter.  We are defective and don’t deserve compassion and understanding.  This is how I feel and am treated almost every single day of my life. So you have to ask yourself, constantly, “Why am I even alive anymore?” .. Why do you even bother with anything when all you are is a waste of space and a burden to everyone.  Of course there are the people that say they care about you and “you’re so special and everyone loves you”… That shit drives me nuts. It really does. I know certain people care about me, as I care for certain people. But those people also don’t have to live inside this mind and body and deal with how others treat me. It angers me when someone says that suicide is selfish. No, its really not. It’s selfish of the ones around us who want us to stay around knowing that we are suffering and TO US that is the only way out. I know that’s a harsh thing to say, but its true.

Laying all of this out there isn’t an easy thing to do. I spend 98% of my time online only spreading positive vibes on all my platforms, because no one needs to be subjected to my struggles. But this one I just really needed to get out because I  know there is someone out there who feels exactly the same way and they need to know that they aren’t alone. It’s hard living a life that no one around you understands.  It’s like being in another country and not being able to communicate with anyone.  Hell, half the time I don’t even understand myself, so I can only imagine how hard it is for others.  But that doesn’t mean that we are not important and should just be shoved aside.  I could sit here for hours telling you all of my triggers or bad things that have happened to me as a result of my illness, but the point is, I just really wish this world would change. I wish people would change. I swear, one of these days I am going to fix this system and the stigmas around mental illness. We all deserve that much.

PCOS Q&A Session

I get asked quite often about my experience with keto and PCOS, but I’ve never sat down and discussed it openly.  Well now is the time! I have touched on certain things before in past posts and such, but I wanted to give you all some opportunity to ask any questions you may have! Here are my stats and a little background info about me: I am 31 years old, 5’2” tall.  I started keto at 180 lbs and currently weigh 152.  I have done keto off and on for 2.5 years but have been back completely keto (minus a few slip ups and treat meals) since February 2015.  I was diagnosed with PCOS at 14 years old.  I started my period when I was 11 years old and it has always been torture for me.  I would miss entire weeks of school when I was on my period.  As I got older, it just got worse.  When I was 17 I had abnormal results come back after a pap and they wanted to give me a hysterectomy.  Of course that was out of the question.  How do you expect a 17 year old to make that kind of life altering decision.  They insisted on the surgery due to my mother having ovarian cancer, and since my results were abnormal they feared I would end up with it as well.  So far thankfully that has not been an issue.  At age 15 my doctor put me on birth control to try and level out my periods.  It did not work.  I went a year and a half without a period while being on birth control.  I honestly feel that birth control played a huge part in my periods being so screwed up for the rest of my life.  I haven’t taken it since then and I never will.  After I started having periods again I would only have 2-3 periods a year and they were excruciating.  I would pass blood clots the size of an apple and sometimes larger.  Some of them would even cause me to have contractions.  Not fun.  bursting cysts have become a normal part of my life, and even though keto has corrected many of these issues, I still deal with them bursting.  Just last weekend I popped 3 just by sneezing.  Seriously.  Some of these questions are going to be hard for me to answer, and we’re going to be diving deep into certain issues, but I am going to be as open as possible. You’re all gonna know me pretty well after this haha! here we go!

Q- “How has your doctor decided to treat you and have you seen changes with keto that you haven’t with other options.”  — Birth control was used when I was younger but it didn’t work for me.  It actually made things worse.  In my adult life my OB/GYN has treated me with Metformin, and about 3 other medications (I apologize, I cannot think of their names right off the top of my head at the moment.) The Metformin was AWFUL.  It gave me horrendous headaches and even more horrendous stomach pains.  I honestly did not see or feel any difference whatsoever.  I opted to stop taking it. Keto has been the ONLY thing that has ever worked of me.  I’ll elaborate on that in other questions….

Q- “How did you start your keto diet?  Im finding so much info all at once.  Also, did you find that this helped with PCOS symptoms at all? I know “lose weight and you’ll get over it” seems to be the answer most doctors stick to, but what has your experience been?” — I started keto after seeing a few of my friends do it.  They had amazing results and I decided to try it as well! At the time I had no idea of all the things that keto would treat, especially PCOS.  My experience has been LIFE CHANGING.  Three months into strict keto my periods starting coming every month like clockwork. I had 5 months worth of perfect periods.  The 6th was a month and a half late but I believe that was due to an insane amount of stress that I was under. 

Q- “Have you mentioned going keto to you OB/GYN? Have they been encouraging or against it?” — The same month that I started keto (Feb. 2015) my fiance and I decided we wanted to try to have a baby.  I knew that it was going to be a difficult process just by everything I already knew about my body.  I consulted with my doctor about wanting to conceive and also that I had just started keto and found out that it would treat my pcos symptoms. I was prepared for some back lash, but honestly he was very open and receptive about it.  He said that it was a good choice but that I was going to have to take fertility medications as well to be successful.  I did clomid, along with other medication that I had to take in a series each month.  It was terrible.  I hated every second of it.  I felt sick every single day.  My emotions were all over the place.  I would cry multiple times a day for no reason at all.  I didn’t want to get out of bed each morning.  It was like it tripled my depression.  And then of course, with no results. I did everything exactly how they wanted me to for 5 months.  I know a lot of people will say that I didn’t give it long enough, but already dealing with depression, worsening depression because of the meds, stress, feeling like shit, disappointment from not being able to conceive, enlarged ovaries and MANY bursting (and very painful) cysts due to the meds as well, it was not worth it to me.  It took a toll on me like nothing else.  So we have decided to try naturally, but still have had no success.  I have honestly finally accepted that I may never be a mother. 

Q- “Do you think PCOS messes with your emotions?” — Yes, yes, yes and more yes.  I 100% believe that PCOS effects us mentally, not just physically.  Growing up I was a freaking monster.  I had ZERO control over my emotions.  My poor parents had no idea how to handle me.  After being diagnosed with pcos, it def made a lot of things much clearer.  I cannot tell you how many times a week I had doctors appts just trying to figure out what all was wrong with me.  I mean, obviously they thought I was crazy, but didn’t know how to treat me.  And im guessing at that point, meds were not an option for my parents.  At age 13 I became bulimic. (It lasted full fledged until 12th grade and then I still dealt with it into my mid twenties)  I was so stressed and confused and had no idea how to even handle myself and what I was feeling.  Throwing up seriously became my coping mechanism.  To answer your question, PCOS robs you of my mind, your sanity and your ovaries. 

Q- “Do you have facial hair? if so, how do you deal with it on a daily basis?” — Sure do! I used to have A LOT. Not to mention also having it in other weird places that none of us care to admit to haha Tweezers were my best friend. And I am SO happy to tell you, that becoming keto adapted, I have not had to pluck one single hair from my chin! and some other places have stopped growing as well. 

Q- “Does PCOS affect your relationship? How do you explain things to your significant other so he knows something are beyond your control? (emotionally)” — It has, and it does.  But luckily I have been blessed with an amazing man who understands and does his best to help me cope.  BUT, in the past it has ruined so many relationships.  Mostly because these were at times when I still wasn’t completely aware of what I was dealing with.  So I of course would take it out on them, which never went well.  In the beginning of my current relationship, he had no idea that I suffered from anything.  Well, he did, but I didn’t talk about it with him.  We lived right next door to each other in our apt complex (which was so freaking awesome) and days when I had a lot on me and just needed to cry it out, he would let me come over and he would hold me and let me cry and not ask me any questions.  Which was majorly sweet and helpful.  And bless him because we were not even dating at this point haha so kudos to him for dealing with me and sticking around.  As we got more serious I opened up to him about things and then after we moved in together it was impossible to hide all my medications from him.  So my advice to you is, whoever you choose to be in a relationship with, you need to tell them. You don’t have to do it in the beginning, but you need to be open and let them know that there are some days that you just cannot deal and that you just don’t feel yourself.  That sometimes you may take things out on him, but that you are very sorry. Let him know when you’re having a day and just need to be left alone.  If he loves you, he will respect that and give you the space (or help) that you need.  Its not an easy conversation at first, but honesty is the best option.  If I  had a dollar for every time a man ever  called me crazy, I’d be driving a lamborghini.

Q- “How long after being on keto did you see your symptoms improve/go away? would you say you have to be keto adapted to see those improvements in symptoms?” — It was three months into keto that I truly saw a difference.  My periods are normal now, I don’t hardly pass any clots, my periods don’t last but a few days now.  They are heavy, but no way sever as they used to be.  Being on a low carb diet would definitely help, and im obviously not a doctor, but I do think to see complete results you need to be keto adapted/ in ketosis.  I can just say that from my own experience. 

Q- “Have you dealt with PCOS on top of hyperthyroid issues? Do you ever find yourself thrown into other things (fb/IG/shopping) to distract from your constant feelings of loneliness and depression?” — I have not dealt with hyperthyroid issues, thankfully.  I do have mine checked regularly though.  As far as the distractions, YES.  I have a horrible issue with online shopping.  It is seriously my version of crack.  When I am stressed or going through something I buy so much stuff online.  Its like a mini xmas when things arrive.  The anticipation of receiving it lets me avoid what im dealing with emotionally and then for a short time the void is filled with a new gift.  It’s a dangerous cycle.  Depression causes my debit card to weep haha. 

Thank you all for your excellent questions! I am so sorry that it turned into a life story post haha but there is a lot going on behind all my answers and I always try to be as open as possible.  If it helps even one person, then its all worth it.  Take care, ladies!

 

 

no title, just words

Depression has got me channeling my emo side. ha..

Did you go through an emo stage? I don’t think I ever outgrew mine actually. Im still quite weird and dark when no one is looking. Ill wear a certain necklace, shirt, etc; underneath so no one knows its there but me. It makes me feel like a super hero in their everyday disguise. But really Clark Kent, you’re not fooling anyone with those fake glasses. Do they even have lenses?… mine do. Ya jerk.

Honestly, my whole blog and instagram makes me feel like a super hero in disguise. People at work don’t know what I do outside of here.  Or if one or two know, they don’t know how to find me.  I like it that way.  Its like my little secret. I like it that way. Is it weird that i’m somewhat embarrassed by something that bring me so much joy? My parents know I blog and cook and am working on a book and such. But I’ve never told them the name of it. This is like my sanctuary. I don’t want the real world to find me.

Oh, FullSizeRender (24)depression. You’re such a funny little monster. One bad day turns into a never ending repetition that lasts for weeks.. even months.  Sometimes longer. I have taken anxiety meds since I was 14.  Only to be followed by anti-depressants a few years later. Don’t get me wrong. They have saved my life. Many times over. With as much money as I have spent on treatments over the years, I probably could have paid for a brain transplant by now. That would be great actually… Or maybe just half a brain transplant. I’d like to keep the part that makes me good at cooking. That part can stay.

I hope my kickstarter funds. I want to spend my days making new recipes. I want to live in my happy place. One step at at time though, right? Im working on a cookbook. Did you know that? I haven’t told a lot of people. I think I was scared that I would give up half way through. But its actually coming along quite nicely. I will finally get to birth a child. A child made of ink and paper. It’s going to be glorious.

I apologize, Clark Kent. You’re actually a pretty swell guy.