When was the last time you thought that the world would be better without you? We’ve all thought it, you know you have. I think about it pretty frequently. I think it’s normal to a certain extent. But sometimes it’s just like, ok enough is enough. Why do we even exist? Life is hard as fuck and it never gets easier. The “good” moments in life are so few and far between that seriously it’s not even worth it. You work your ass off to be good at something and you still fail. You try to be a good person and still end up hurting someone. You try to do the right thing and still fuck it all up. A never ending cycle of disappointment. And who gets to pay for all of your mistakes? The people closest to you. Whose lives would improve 100 percent if you weren’t around. Because you’re that failure in their life. You’re that person hurting them. You’re that person fucking up their life. So why not remove that factor. Finally do something good by removing yourself. That’s really the only way I feel like I can be the best version of myself. The version that isn’t around.
There’s plenty of other places on the internet that people can learn about keto. If my page stopped everyone would just search for the next one. It’s not like mine is perfect anyhow. I fail more times with my weight and diet than I succeed. I don’t want to be the example of failure anymore. Friends have already started to move on. On to shiny new friends who are cooler and better at being a friend. I really don’t blame them. I feel bad for anyone who has me as a friend. I’m sad all the time. I keep to myself. I don’t answer phone calls. Im even bad at returning texts. I disappear often. And just cut the world out. I do care for these people though, I swear. I just don’t know how to show it properly.
Happiness isn’t something that my mind understands. Fake happiness that just comes through as numbness. Just like all the other emotions. Except for sadness. Why can’t there be a mental illness that makes you only feel happiness? The chemicals in your brain make you feel like anything is possible and everything is perfect all the time. I want that illness. Not this bullshit one I have.
I decided to start taking my meds again. Idk if I’ve mentioned that recently. Maybe I did. I can’t remember. My friend filled them for me and brought them to me. I love her. She’s good to me. I wish I could be as good to her. She deserves it more than anyone in the world. I wonder if she is happy that I’m going to take my meds again. I just want someone to be proud of me. I want my family to be proud of me. No matter what I will always be the child who can never make it on her own. But do I blame my illness? Or am I really just a shit person? I do try to be good at things. At life. So hard. Hoping to finally do something right.
I just want to do something right.