If you’re a follower of my Instagram page then you may have already seen me post about my most recent nsv. I really just wanted to elaborate on that moment with you all and why it was so important to me. Thinking back to growing up, my teenage years especially, I was constantly getting comments about my weight. Sad part was, it was mostly from family members. It always struck me right in the gut because I was never a heavy girl, in my opinion. But my grandfather always had to make sure I knew that I wasn’t as skinny as my mother was in high school. A couple years ago, on Christmas, after I had already been battling with my weight and trying to lose some, which I had, but not much. He asked me, “Are you on a diet?” and I got excited, I thought, maybe he will finally say something nice to me since I’ve been working so hard. But no. His next comment was, “Well, you should be.” … I thought my boyfriend was going to punch him… What a Merry Christmas.
I once had a guy break up with me because he said I was “Too fat to have sex with”. Mind you, I was only 160lbs at that point. But it broke my heart nonetheless. I really don’t think most people realize the weight of their words and what it does to someone. After he left I didn’t eat for 3 straight weeks. Water was my only sustenance. But only enough to get the sleeping pills down so I could forget the present one night at a time. Then of course food was the only thing to fill the bottomless pit that was currently my heart. It didn’t work. All it was did was help my thighs fill out my jeans.
So, I eventually got used to the weight and I guess just accepted that that was how things were going to be. I was going to be the chubby girl who hides behind dresses and sweaters and stops going to parties and gatherings. A perfect angle in a selfie was all that got me by. I would buy clothing that I knew was too small and would never fit into. Kept telling myself, well if I can just lose ten pounds I’ll be able to wear it. As we all do, and then end up with a closet full of clothing that could cloth a small country. But then a light shines through the clouds one day and you dedicate yourself and you work really hard and you lose some weight and better yourself and your health, and you stand there in front of all these clothes that you can’t bare to part with. You grab one piece at a time and try it on to see if it finally fits; and they do. Some are even too big for you now. Then there is that one dress. That you loved so much and had to have. But you couldn’t even pull it up past your thighs, let alone get it on and zipped. So you take a deep breath and pull it on. It fits. Perfectly. That rush of happiness, success and realization is indescribable. A feeling so tangible that it’s almost unreal. It’s a feeling that I will never stop chasing now.