Ramble 

I realize just how much time I spend criticizing myself in my head. 
So much that I can’t even focus on what’s in front of me. Why are you like this? Why can’t you manage your weight like you used to? You’re disgusting. You’re a disappointment. Why did you wear this outfit today, you look horrible. You look fat. Sit up straight. Why are you slouching. It makes you look fatter. Stop thinking about shit that happened forever ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. But wait, it does matter. Concentrate on what they’re saying to you. Don’t tune them out. Pay attention. Ask a question. Show them you’re paying attention. Stop slouching. Did you remember to answer that email? Fuck. Answer that email. Why didn’t you take your meds today? Take them when you get home. Where is your motivation. Why are you so unhappy. 

I live inside my mind. 

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in life. I thought meds were supposed to help me with that. I feel let down in a way. 

But I press on. Willing myself to take them at the proper times each day. Hell, sometimes just willing myself to take them at all. Patterns just aren’t my thing apparently. 

The internet is a scary place. I used to feel so free and happy about posting things or talking about certain things about myself to friends and vice versa. we were all just forming friendships and support; Building a family. But now I feel nervous sometimes to open back up like that. The feeling in the back of my head that you’re just being judged. It sucks to think you can’t please everyone. Like it’s my own shortcoming. I just want everyone to be good. 

I just want to have fun again. I’m tired of things always being so serious. My journey was so much easier that way. I stayed on track more. Creating recipes excited me. I wasn’t as depressed. I had a purpose. Now I just feel like a nuisance. 

So you say, alright. This is it. I’m gonna take a break for a little while. Go be ME. But seriously what the fuck does that even mean. Sure, I have way too many hobbies but my passion IS where I choose to put it most. But how does that define? I live with this overwhelming feeling that something is missing. But can never quite figure it out. But the internet gives me gratitude sometimes. Often gives me joy. So we all come back. It’s become a psychological drug. 

Hi, if you’ve made it this far and you’re new here? Hello, I live with depression, high anxiety and I’m bipolar. PCOS and gluten intolerant. We all have our shit I guess. 

Are you uncomfortable now? 

It’s ok, I am too. 

I think I change my hair so much because I’m waiting for that right color that makes me feel complete. Confident even. The adventure is fun though. The never ending search for contentment. 

How do you get that fire back. How do you stop feeling like a failure. How do I get myself to stop getting up and eating cereal in the middle of the night. I feel like a brick wall that’s been smashed into by a speeding car. Oh wait… bad analogy. But still time consuming to reconstruct. I need to reconstruct. 

I need to reconstruct. 

Keto Shopping Tips

I have quite a few staple items that I buy every single time I go grocery shopping.  Which is every two weeks, with the exception of maybe 1 or 2 times randomly in between for other fresh ingredients that I may need for a recipe. Here is what a typical shopping trip looks like for me:

Produce:  Brussel Sprouts, Asparagus, Kale, Green Beans, Shredded Cabbage, Onions, Mushrooms, Avocados.  ::These enter my cart every trip::

Frozen Produce:  Cauliflower (for caulimash), Broccoli, Corn (if I feel like having the extra carbs).

Cold Section/Dairy:  Heavy Whipping Cream, Eggs (usually x2), Shredded cheese, Sour Cream, Cream Cheese (always x2), Kerry Gold Butter.

Meats:  Ground Beef, Bacon, Pork Chops, Chicken Thighs, Chicken Breast (for boiling and shredding for salad and crack slaw), Kielbasa, Sausage. 

Random Items:  Pickles, Olives, Low Carb Tortillas, Deli Meat (actually from the deli, not the packaged processed stuff), Coconut Oil, Ranch Dressing, Mayo, Taco Seasoning, Chicken Broth, Beef Broth.

I try to keep everything as basic as possible and then just add in other things when needed. I find it easier to create different recipes off of the basics, instead of having completely different recipes and buying ingredients accordingly. Basics save time and most importantly, MONEY!!

Lemon Blueberry Cheesecake

What you will need ❤

For the crust:

  • 1 /2 stick of butter (I used Kerry Gold; used 1/4 of the block)
  • 1/2 Cup Almond Flour
  • 2 tbsp Sweetener of your choosing (I used granular Stevia)

For the Cheesecake:

  • 2 8oz blocks of cream cheese
  • 3/4 cup sweetener
  • 2 Tbsp Torani Sugar Free Vanilla Syrup
  • 2 packets of True Lemon (can be found at walmart near the sweeteners)
  • 2 eggs
  • Blueberries (optional)

You will need cupcake liners if you want to make individual cheesecakes, but it can also be done in a normal pie pan.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees! 

Begin by melting your butter and mixing your crust ingredients.  Add a TSP amount to each cupcake liner.  Press with your finger or utensil.

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Bake these by themselves for 5 mintues! Set aside to cool and deflate while you mix the filling.

I heated my two blocks of cream cheese in the microwave for 30 sec intervals and mixing in between until it was all soft and shiny. With my electric hand mixer I mixed the cream cheese and sweetener together first to dissolve it better. Then added remaining ingredients minus the blueberries.

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The crust will look like little cookies after they have fallen and had a chance to cool. Fill each cup with 2 TBSP of filling. This is where you will add your blueberries on top if you feel so inclined.  But you should… because it’s delicious and compliments the lemon so perfectly 🙂

Bake at 350 for 25 mins or until the tops start to brown!  Let them cool for 10-15 mins (if you can stand it) while the tops fall slightly and the crust hardens.  It makes it easier to remove the wrapper if they’re cooled.

After they were cooled I stored them in a container and kept them in the fridge over night. They were so good while they were warm, but having it the next morning while the fridge made them firm was even better.  The carb content I calculated came out to 2g each. I hope you all enjoy this recipe!

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Egg Fast Round 1

I have been bouncing between the same 5 pounds for about 3 months now.  I lose them, then they come back.  I lose them again, and then they come back.  I’ve been in stalls before but never ones that have been this annoying.  At first it didn’t really bother me because I was sort of at the “im comfortable at this weight stage” and was just kind of maintaining.  Which is fine, I was totally cool with that.  Especially since I was going to the gym every morning before work.  So it wasn’t a big deal.  I was able to cheat a little and splurge on some low carb junk food; which I honestly really need to stop.  But either way, I decided to try an egg fast! and to my surprise, it was not near as bad as I thought it was going to be.  So here is what I ate and here are my results!

Day 1: 156lbs

  • Breakfast: 2 cream cheese pancakes, 1 deviled egg, bullet proof coffee.
  • Lunch: 1 cream cheese pancake, 2 deviled eggs.
  • Dinner: scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and 1 tbsp cream cheese.

Day 2: 154lbs (2.6lbs lost)

  • Breakfast: 1 cream cheese pancake with 1 tbsp cream cheese w/ cinnamon, vanilla and sweetener mixed in. 2 deviled eggs and bullet proof coffee.
  • Lunch: 2 deviled eggs, 1 cream cheese pancake, 1 tbsp cream cheese and bullet proof coffee.
  • Dinner: 2 sliced and fried boiled eggs, with mayo, mustard and 1 string cheese.
  • Dessert: 1 tbsp cream cheese, 1 tbsp cocoa powder (dark, unsweetened), 2 tbsp sweetener, pinch of cinnamon and a drop of strawberry extract.

Day 3: 153lbs (1lbs lost)

  • Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, green tea latte from starbucks (do as I say, not as i do lol)
  • Lunch: 2 hard boiled eggs, 2 mini pickles, 1 tbsp mayo, 1 string cheese and bullet proof coffee. *peed on a ketostix and i’m in super ketosis* AND NO I WASN’T DEHYDRATED, just to make that clear.
  • Dinner: fat head crust pigs in a blanket (desperately needed a normal dinner at this point).

Day 4: 153.2lbs (0.2lbs gained)

  • Breakfast: 2 scrambled egg with mozzarella cheese and hot sauce.
  • Lunch: Salad (was craving veggies like WOAH by this point).
  • Dinner: 1 fried egg, mozzarella and cream cheese flat bread.

Day 5: 154.6lbs (just got my period)

  • Breakfast: bullet proof coffee
  • Second Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, 1 tbsp cream cheese.
  • Lunch: 1 hard boiled egg, 2 mini pickles, 1 string cheese.
  • Dinner: 3 cream cheese pancakes.

Ok, so! I obviously did not stick to the plan 100% and I def had some factors against me, including starting my period. I would NOT recommend doing this if you are nearing or on your period. The sweets cravings had me wanting to rob a day care for their milk and snacks. But overall, I feel like it was a success. During the week I felt amazing, and I never once thought about being hungry.  I would literally have to watch the clock and remind myself to eat because the eggs kept me full and satisfied.  I was absolutely no where as bad as I always imagined it would be, although I did have a gag moment at lunch on day 3! but I still love eggs! I do recommend having an “egg fast buddy” to do this with you. It helped SO much having someone doing it at the same time as me so we could talk about what we were eating, diff recipes we were finding and sharing our results and struggles. I am going to be doing egg fast round 2 this coming week; life has been super crazy these last two weeks and my eating habits have been far from perfect due to stress and lack of time to properly plan my meals. So, im really excited to give this another go and stick to it completely this time. I’ll let you know how it goes!!

Getting Started

Lately I have been getting asked to share some tips about getting started with Keto.  Sometimes its hard to pinpoint exactly what has worked for me, since it has been a lot of trial and error.  I think though that I have come far enough to be able to point you in the right direction! I hope these tips help!

  1. Get rid of non compliant food in your house:  This is the biggest factor that I cannot stress enough; and I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, “well I can’t do that, I have kids, a husband; that’s a lot of money in food to waste, etc”.. Notice that I did not say throw away.  I gave away so much food when I first started.  I HAD to get it out of my house if I was to succeed.  Now, if you have children, or a spouse who does not want to join you in your lifestyle change, create yourself a separate cabinet for either yourself, or where you will keep all the non-keto foods for everyone else.  If you are constantly looking at what you can’t have, its going to make it that much harder.
  2. Tracking:  Instead of using an app when I first started, I kept a notebook and wrote everything down.  Every single little thing that went into my body.  I was so diligent about it, it was borderline crazy haha but I am so glad that I was because I learned SO much.  I am not against using apps to help you track, but I have found that they aren’t as accurate, and anytime I ever used an app completely, I didn’t see any results.  They are definitely good tools to aid you, but writing it all down yourself is so much more beneficial.
  3. Basic is better:  I actually chuckled as a typed that one… hehe… ok!  When starting out! BASIC. BASIC. BASIC.  I will say it again. BASIC.  You following along?  Stick to basics.  If you dive right in trying to make fancy shit, you are going to overwhelm yourself.  Eggs, coconut oil, bacon, cheese, heavy whipping cream, veggies, bacon, sausage, avocado, bacon, MCT oil, bacon… did I mention bacon? … I used to carry bacon in my purse  at all times. No lie. It would keep me so full with only 2-3 pieces. So, I would have normally, eggs (any style) with cheese or cream cheese for breakfast, and a piece of bacon or two.  Lunch would be pepperoni with cheese, or meat roll ups with cream cheese, hard boiled eggs, etc.  Then dinner would be a meat and veggie.  That was it.  No sugar free treats or something fancy.  Give yourself enough time to get adapted and break the cycle of carb and sugar addiction.  You can do it, I promise you.
  4. Make Lists:  If you think you can go to the grocery store and just randomly pick out what you’re going to eat on keto, you are sadly mistaken (until you get used to what you need to buy).  I can’t tell you how many times I left the grocery store in tears because I was so stressed and saying “I can’t eat ANYTHING!!!!” … LIES.  Total lies.  There is SO much you can eat, its unreal.  Enough so that you never have to feel like you are missing out on something.  Trust me.  So make sure that you plan your shopping trips and write out everything you want to buy, plus the meals you are going to make with them (in case there is two meals that you can make with one item, such as a big pack of ground beef.)  When I make my lists, I write all the items down on one side, and on the other I will write what meals im going to make.  Then I can go back and write amounts.  Its a time and money saver.
  5. Bring food with you:  DO NOT be afraid to bring food with you while running errands, going to work, or even going to a friends house.  This lifestyle change is about YOU and your success depends on YOU.  Plus the look on someones face when you pull a full meal out of your purse is just priceless.
  6. Monitor your ketones:   Sure, optimally a digital ketone tracker is ideal, but they’re expensive, and even more, the strips are hella expensive.  But would I still like to have one?  yeah of course haha It doesn’t get more accurate than blood testing.  BUT, I am a tried and true supporter of ketostix.  I have used them from day one and still use them now.  It gave me a “control” area to where I wanted my body to stay.  Of course getting to that deep red color on the spectrum was a goal, but they would also let me see how different foods were effecting my levels. So go on, go pee on a stick. FOR SCIENCE.
  7. Fats are Friends:  Don’t fear the fats! This is the time where you take everything you have ever learned about food and kick it to the curb.  Keto is going to reteach your brain how to PROPERLY fuel your body.  There is a HUGE difference between fats. The good ones and the bad ones.  There are so many good resources online about what fats are good for you. I could sit here and list them for you, but seriously that would take up too much of our time haha so just search Pinterest for healthy fats.
  8. Water:  Drink as much water as you possibly can.  During the starting phase you need to keep yourself hydrated and your kidneys flushed.  You are going to be losing a lot of salt, so you need to also make sure to add salt to what you’re eating as well. Which leads to our next point…
  9. Keto Flu: The keto flu doesn’t happen to everyone, but at some point you will feel some of the symptoms. Such as headache, feeling light headed, lost of sleep, stomach ache… but seriously, do not be discouraged if you start feeling like crap.  Take it as something GOOD at that you are making progress.  Detoxing your body from carbs and sugar is just like detoxing from a drug.  I see so many people give up because they can’t make it past the flu, but PLEASE, stick it out and I promise you, you will feel better than you have ever felt before.  One way I fought the keto flu was drinking pickle juice.  Whenever I would feel crappy, I would take a few sips of pickle juice and it would feel better almost instantly.  If you aren’t a fan of pickles, then just eat or drink something really salty.  Like chicken broth or something, with butter and salt.
  10. Be patient:  As we have all heard or read, you didn’t gain the weight over night, so you aren’t going to lose the weight over night.  It can take some people up to 3-4 weeks to get their bodies into ketosis.  Some can do it within days.  Me, it took me a good solid 2 weeks before I REALLY saw results.  Which I was totally ok with.  Everyone bodies are different, so please please please do not get discouraged if you don’t lose ten pounds your first week; and if you DO, don’t get discouraged when you don’t lose ten pounds your second week.  The first initial weight is water weight, so you need to give yourself enough time to get rid of that before you will start burning fat.  Also, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, do not use keto os thinking you can cheat the system.  That crap is nothing but lies.  The only thing you will be cheating is yourself.

 

Thank you for asking me to write this post, guys! I really enjoyed it.  I love being able to help you all! Of course I have to say that I AM NOT A DOCTOR lol These tips are from all the research I have done and implemented into my keto lifestyle and what has worked for me. Always make sure to ask your doctor if you have existing ailments before starting keto.  I spoke with my general PCP and my gyno before starting.  Keto has been a savior in my life, and I hope it can be the same for you.

Spinach Alfredo Fat Head Pizza

  
Ok, ever since I made my first fat head pizza crust I have been dreaming of all the types of pizza I can make now, and an Alfredo pizza was at the top of the list! This seriously is the most delicious thing I have made since being on keto. Not even joking. Because I do not joke about pizza. Especially pizza this damn good! And super easy I might add…. 

Fat head crust:  (not my recipe)

1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella 

2 tbsp cream cheese (cubed)

3/4 cup almond flour 

1 egg 

  • Melt both cheeses together in the microwave for 1 min. Stir and will probably have to go another 30 secs. Add in almond flour and egg and stir really well. Can put back in micro for another 20-30 secs if you need to. I usually have to. Then spread onto parchment paper on you baking sheet with wet hands making the crust however thick you would like. Bake at 425 for 8 mins. Take out and pop any bubbles. Then put back in for another 5 mins; set aside when done. 

Alfredo Sauce: 

1 cup heavy whipping cream 

1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese (the real kind, not the grated shaker kind) 

1 tbsp butter

  • In a small sauce pan on medium heat, met the cheese with the cream stirring almost constantly until it starts to thicken. Add salt and pepper to taste and then reduce heat to low and allow it to thicken some more. 

Toppings:

In a separate pan cook a handful of sliced mushrooms with 1 tsp minced garlic with 1 tbsp butter. Once cooked, add in a handful of spinach and allow to wilt. 

Top pizza crust with the Alfredo sauce. It was thick enough for me to use all of it without it running over the crust. Add your spinach and mushroom mixture. I then topped with some canned white meat chicken and then sprinkled more mozzarella cheese over the top. Bake at 425 for 8-10 mins! Let cool for a few mins before slicing so the sauce stays in place! Enjoy! And then thank me in your prayers because you are going to love me after you try this haha 

PCOS Q&A Session

I get asked quite often about my experience with keto and PCOS, but I’ve never sat down and discussed it openly.  Well now is the time! I have touched on certain things before in past posts and such, but I wanted to give you all some opportunity to ask any questions you may have! Here are my stats and a little background info about me: I am 31 years old, 5’2” tall.  I started keto at 180 lbs and currently weigh 152.  I have done keto off and on for 2.5 years but have been back completely keto (minus a few slip ups and treat meals) since February 2015.  I was diagnosed with PCOS at 14 years old.  I started my period when I was 11 years old and it has always been torture for me.  I would miss entire weeks of school when I was on my period.  As I got older, it just got worse.  When I was 17 I had abnormal results come back after a pap and they wanted to give me a hysterectomy.  Of course that was out of the question.  How do you expect a 17 year old to make that kind of life altering decision.  They insisted on the surgery due to my mother having ovarian cancer, and since my results were abnormal they feared I would end up with it as well.  So far thankfully that has not been an issue.  At age 15 my doctor put me on birth control to try and level out my periods.  It did not work.  I went a year and a half without a period while being on birth control.  I honestly feel that birth control played a huge part in my periods being so screwed up for the rest of my life.  I haven’t taken it since then and I never will.  After I started having periods again I would only have 2-3 periods a year and they were excruciating.  I would pass blood clots the size of an apple and sometimes larger.  Some of them would even cause me to have contractions.  Not fun.  bursting cysts have become a normal part of my life, and even though keto has corrected many of these issues, I still deal with them bursting.  Just last weekend I popped 3 just by sneezing.  Seriously.  Some of these questions are going to be hard for me to answer, and we’re going to be diving deep into certain issues, but I am going to be as open as possible. You’re all gonna know me pretty well after this haha! here we go!

Q- “How has your doctor decided to treat you and have you seen changes with keto that you haven’t with other options.”  — Birth control was used when I was younger but it didn’t work for me.  It actually made things worse.  In my adult life my OB/GYN has treated me with Metformin, and about 3 other medications (I apologize, I cannot think of their names right off the top of my head at the moment.) The Metformin was AWFUL.  It gave me horrendous headaches and even more horrendous stomach pains.  I honestly did not see or feel any difference whatsoever.  I opted to stop taking it. Keto has been the ONLY thing that has ever worked of me.  I’ll elaborate on that in other questions….

Q- “How did you start your keto diet?  Im finding so much info all at once.  Also, did you find that this helped with PCOS symptoms at all? I know “lose weight and you’ll get over it” seems to be the answer most doctors stick to, but what has your experience been?” — I started keto after seeing a few of my friends do it.  They had amazing results and I decided to try it as well! At the time I had no idea of all the things that keto would treat, especially PCOS.  My experience has been LIFE CHANGING.  Three months into strict keto my periods starting coming every month like clockwork. I had 5 months worth of perfect periods.  The 6th was a month and a half late but I believe that was due to an insane amount of stress that I was under. 

Q- “Have you mentioned going keto to you OB/GYN? Have they been encouraging or against it?” — The same month that I started keto (Feb. 2015) my fiance and I decided we wanted to try to have a baby.  I knew that it was going to be a difficult process just by everything I already knew about my body.  I consulted with my doctor about wanting to conceive and also that I had just started keto and found out that it would treat my pcos symptoms. I was prepared for some back lash, but honestly he was very open and receptive about it.  He said that it was a good choice but that I was going to have to take fertility medications as well to be successful.  I did clomid, along with other medication that I had to take in a series each month.  It was terrible.  I hated every second of it.  I felt sick every single day.  My emotions were all over the place.  I would cry multiple times a day for no reason at all.  I didn’t want to get out of bed each morning.  It was like it tripled my depression.  And then of course, with no results. I did everything exactly how they wanted me to for 5 months.  I know a lot of people will say that I didn’t give it long enough, but already dealing with depression, worsening depression because of the meds, stress, feeling like shit, disappointment from not being able to conceive, enlarged ovaries and MANY bursting (and very painful) cysts due to the meds as well, it was not worth it to me.  It took a toll on me like nothing else.  So we have decided to try naturally, but still have had no success.  I have honestly finally accepted that I may never be a mother. 

Q- “Do you think PCOS messes with your emotions?” — Yes, yes, yes and more yes.  I 100% believe that PCOS effects us mentally, not just physically.  Growing up I was a freaking monster.  I had ZERO control over my emotions.  My poor parents had no idea how to handle me.  After being diagnosed with pcos, it def made a lot of things much clearer.  I cannot tell you how many times a week I had doctors appts just trying to figure out what all was wrong with me.  I mean, obviously they thought I was crazy, but didn’t know how to treat me.  And im guessing at that point, meds were not an option for my parents.  At age 13 I became bulimic. (It lasted full fledged until 12th grade and then I still dealt with it into my mid twenties)  I was so stressed and confused and had no idea how to even handle myself and what I was feeling.  Throwing up seriously became my coping mechanism.  To answer your question, PCOS robs you of my mind, your sanity and your ovaries. 

Q- “Do you have facial hair? if so, how do you deal with it on a daily basis?” — Sure do! I used to have A LOT. Not to mention also having it in other weird places that none of us care to admit to haha Tweezers were my best friend. And I am SO happy to tell you, that becoming keto adapted, I have not had to pluck one single hair from my chin! and some other places have stopped growing as well. 

Q- “Does PCOS affect your relationship? How do you explain things to your significant other so he knows something are beyond your control? (emotionally)” — It has, and it does.  But luckily I have been blessed with an amazing man who understands and does his best to help me cope.  BUT, in the past it has ruined so many relationships.  Mostly because these were at times when I still wasn’t completely aware of what I was dealing with.  So I of course would take it out on them, which never went well.  In the beginning of my current relationship, he had no idea that I suffered from anything.  Well, he did, but I didn’t talk about it with him.  We lived right next door to each other in our apt complex (which was so freaking awesome) and days when I had a lot on me and just needed to cry it out, he would let me come over and he would hold me and let me cry and not ask me any questions.  Which was majorly sweet and helpful.  And bless him because we were not even dating at this point haha so kudos to him for dealing with me and sticking around.  As we got more serious I opened up to him about things and then after we moved in together it was impossible to hide all my medications from him.  So my advice to you is, whoever you choose to be in a relationship with, you need to tell them. You don’t have to do it in the beginning, but you need to be open and let them know that there are some days that you just cannot deal and that you just don’t feel yourself.  That sometimes you may take things out on him, but that you are very sorry. Let him know when you’re having a day and just need to be left alone.  If he loves you, he will respect that and give you the space (or help) that you need.  Its not an easy conversation at first, but honesty is the best option.  If I  had a dollar for every time a man ever  called me crazy, I’d be driving a lamborghini.

Q- “How long after being on keto did you see your symptoms improve/go away? would you say you have to be keto adapted to see those improvements in symptoms?” — It was three months into keto that I truly saw a difference.  My periods are normal now, I don’t hardly pass any clots, my periods don’t last but a few days now.  They are heavy, but no way sever as they used to be.  Being on a low carb diet would definitely help, and im obviously not a doctor, but I do think to see complete results you need to be keto adapted/ in ketosis.  I can just say that from my own experience. 

Q- “Have you dealt with PCOS on top of hyperthyroid issues? Do you ever find yourself thrown into other things (fb/IG/shopping) to distract from your constant feelings of loneliness and depression?” — I have not dealt with hyperthyroid issues, thankfully.  I do have mine checked regularly though.  As far as the distractions, YES.  I have a horrible issue with online shopping.  It is seriously my version of crack.  When I am stressed or going through something I buy so much stuff online.  Its like a mini xmas when things arrive.  The anticipation of receiving it lets me avoid what im dealing with emotionally and then for a short time the void is filled with a new gift.  It’s a dangerous cycle.  Depression causes my debit card to weep haha. 

Thank you all for your excellent questions! I am so sorry that it turned into a life story post haha but there is a lot going on behind all my answers and I always try to be as open as possible.  If it helps even one person, then its all worth it.  Take care, ladies!