A Plague On Both Your Houses

2017 has been a real crap show for my family.  Well, for the entire world too I should say.  But this year has def tipped the scales as one of the worst years that I can remember for my fiance, myself and my Mom and Dad.  Starting off the beginning of the year in April when I got into a car accident.  That has single handedly thrown our lives upside down.  Between recovery, medical bills, lawyer stuff, emotional damages, lost wages.  Oh, did I mention that I also lost my job?  My jerk of a boss didn’t want to wait for me to heal up and come back.  So she came up with a laundry list of reasons to fire me to make herself feel better.  I was upset at first, but you know, it was for the best.  She was pretty crappy to me anyway.  And the thought of having to go back to that job after all that had happened was stressing me out and making recovery even worse.  Being let go was def not how I wanted to go out.  But here we are.  So we’ve been busting our asses to make ends meet, living off of my fiances income alone, and me trying to push my business as hard as I can to make an extra dollar to help out.  Wanna test your relationship? Get into financial trouble. Luckily we are strong enough to have kicked it all in the face and have made it work.  It has not been easy by any means.  Still isn’t.  Most weeks we cant even afford to buy groceries.  I’ve never eaten so many eggs in my life.  I’m pretty sure I hate them now.  But we adult and we do what needs to be done.  Because that’s what adults do right? eh. Being an adult is fucking awful.

So, the next event on our list is of my Father.  This happened in early August.  He was working in his shop and was using his metal belt sander and the bristles caught a rag he has in his hand, pulling his hand into the machine and cutting off his ring finger on his left hand.  I could show you the pictures, but you’d probably hate me afterwards.  So, distress, medical bills, missing a fucking finger.  Yeah, not how I would want to spend my summer.  And of course this had happened merely days before they were to leave out of town on a trip to mexico for Ballooning (my parents have a hot air balloon business).  Needless to say, I begged them not to go.  Who knew what kind of medical attention he would get if something happened, because the area they were going to was pretty remote.  But, they went anyway.  No way they were going to waste all the weeks of planning for the trip.  A handful of other mishaps happened on their trip, all that I cant recall at the moment, but I just remember my mother texting me and telling me about something new and shitty just about every day.  Especially the day when she texted to tell me that she now has shingles from all the stress she has been under.  So, needless to say they threw in the towel and cut their trip short and came on home.  My mother was down for at least two weeks because of the pain.  I don’t think i’ve ever seen her in so much pain before.  It was horrible.

So weeks go by, things seem to be getting better, slightly getting back to normal.  And then my parents home gets broken into.  Robbing them of the most ridiculous things that would have no value to any person other than my parents.  Well, except for their brand new tv that they had JUST bought for themselves.  They took files, and my fathers flight logs of that past 30 years.  Why the hell would someone take some fucking flight logs?? It was sitting right next to his Go Pro camera, but their dumbasses decided to take his flight logs.  We will never understand that reasoning.  So they had to spend more money, fixing the doors they broke, replacing material items, installing a security system, trying to regain your sense of peace and trying to somehow recap that fucking 30 years of flight logs.  What a fucking mess it was.  One afternoon while I was over there my dad shared with me that he had woken up the night before in a panic because he was dreaming that he couldn’t find his wedding ring.  He had had it off of course because of his finger.  Gone. His wedding ring was gone.  The low life garbage humans found his ring and of course took it too.  My heart seriously broke for him.  I’ve never been filled with so much rage.  I will never comprehend how people can do these things to others with no regard. It truly sickens me.

So now to this past couple weeks.  I have been having some crazy bleeding (for three straight weeks).  Went to the doctor to see whats going on, and got referred out to have an internal ultrasound.  Its not uncommon for me to have crazy things going on with my lady parts as I have PCOS and a cornucopia of cysts partying with my ovaries.  So I figured that it would just be another routine ultrasound to tell me some of them had ruptured or whatnot.  Nothing new.  Well, turned out way more grim that expected and was the news that I always knew I would receive one day.

Possibly Cancer.

CANCER? REALLY? FOR FUCKS SAKE.  What else are we going to get thrown at us this year?  I always knew it would come for me eventually though. My mother had the same thing when she was about my age.  It was shortly after she had me.  Ovarian cancer.  And hers started exactly like this.  The lining of my uterus has thickened to the point of lesions and a bunch of other medical mumbo jumbo that I dont particularly understand.  But my doctors phoned me himself to give me the news.  In the 8 years ive been seeing him, that has never happened before.  I almost threw up when he told me.  What do you even do with that kind of news?  So, I go tomorrow for a biopsy of my uterus to see exactly whats going on and how soon we should operate. And if anything can be saved or if it all has to come out.  Right before my wedding mind you. ( nov 11).  And there also goes my chance of ever being a mother right along with it. The feeling of giving up on life has never been stronger.

So now onto the last few days.  We have been in the emergency room twice in the last 2 days because my fiance is having an allergic reaction to something we cant quite pin point.  He thinks it was due to some soap that he used in a hotel over the weekend while he was out of town.  But we aren’t completely sure.  He woke up early this morning at 2 am with burning skin, blurred vision and dizziness. So back to the hospital we went for the second time in 24 hours.  Allergic reactions are something I do not mess with.  I had one when I was 20 and almost died.  So the first sign of hives and im taking action lol. I basically had to force him into the car to go to the hospital.  He’s a typical dude. Doesn’t think he needs medical attention.  But that second trip would prove otherwise.

So now we wait. Wait for the next blow that life is going to deal us before the year ends.  Im getting scared to even have our wedding now in November.  What horrible thing is going to happen during that? 2017 needs to flee with a quickness before we all lose our damn minds. I guess ill probably make another post after tomorrow when I know more after my doctor appt.

wish me luck. I could really use it.

I’m breaking up w/ Instagram

I dont know when I will be back.  Or if at all.  But right now its just somewhere I cannot be. Ive had my keto profile for about 3 years now and I feel like its all been for nothing.  I think in these three years people have forgotten that I am a person.  A real person with a life,  feelings, thoughts, opinions and rights.  Rights to post whatever I feel like and in no context but my own.  And people are so quick to flip the switch when you choose to do something out of the norm.  I feel like some people think they have a right to dictate what I do and have their own opinion about what I post and how my life should be.  So the second I try to do something for myself, or change something, all hell breaks loose and I catch nothing but flack for it.  It hurts me to no end that someone can be the shittiest person to me and say the most cruel shit to me, and thats TOTALLY OK.  But when I try to defend myself im the bad guy.  Of course Im going to be on the defensive when someone is attacking me. Especially for no good reason.  No one can sit there and say they wouldnt be if it was happening to them.  It’s easy for people to say “don’t worry about”, “just ignore them”. Do you know how many times I’ve done that? Tried that? It’s wears on you. Chips away little but little until you feel like complete shit about yourself because your constantly attacked over the stupidest things. Over these years ive had to thicken my skin just to be able to be online. I cant even begin to tell you the messages and comments I have to weed through daily of people being hateful just because they can.  So I have grown unsympathetic to anyone who is trying to bring negativity and hate to my page.  Social Media is a funny animal that way.  Its completely acceptable to be an asshole, call people names, tell someone their wrong, shove your opinions down their throat.  But the second you fight back, you are the worst of them all.  It makes zero sense to me.  Its a place that just doesnt bring me happiness anymore. I’m just a girl on the internet. A girl that can so easily be made fun of by insignificant humans who have nothing better to do with their time than tear other humans down by one snippet they happen to walk in on.  What they say or do has nothing to do with my worth of the kind of person I am. I am content with the type of human I am and what I have done and will do with MY life. Everything else is just static. 

I feel like im ending a relationship with someone. One that is/was extremely important to me.  This was all more than just an Instagram profile to me.  My heart is truly broken that it has come to this point.  This community used to be the brightest spot in my dark life. I gave so much of myself and my time to thousands of people.  Giving advice.  Giving support with keto. Providing recipes and meal ideas.  Building relationships and trust. Because I wanted to help people and share my passion for keto.  But all of that gets so easily forgotten.  Im physically and mentally exhausted from trying to live my life and just do what feels right in my own choices.  I guess my mistake was trying to share that as well. I’m going to miss so many people.  Women I looked up to. Connections I’ve made.  People who were always there for me.  But the bad has finally started to outweigh the good. I’ve got way too many other important things going on in my life right now to be dealing with all this drama every day. I want to be able to freely explore other ways of eating without being greeted by an argument. I just want to be free, live my life and find some goodness again.  I’m going to turn my full attention to my wedding planning and my business.  

Here’s to hoping that one day people can see the weight of their actions.

More ramble 

When was the last time you thought that the world would be better without you? We’ve all thought it, you know you have.  I think about it pretty frequently.  I think it’s normal to a certain extent.  But sometimes it’s just like, ok enough is enough.  Why do we even exist? Life is hard as fuck and it never gets easier.  The “good” moments in life are so few and far between that seriously it’s not even worth it.  You work your ass off to be good at something and you still fail.  You try to be a good person and still end up hurting someone.  You try to do the right thing and still fuck it all up.  A never ending cycle of disappointment.  And who gets to pay for all of your mistakes? The people closest to you.  Whose lives would improve 100 percent if you weren’t around.  Because you’re that failure in their life.  You’re that person hurting them.  You’re that person fucking up their life.  So why not remove that factor.  Finally do something good by removing yourself.  That’s really the only way I feel like I can be the best version of myself.  The version that isn’t around. 
There’s plenty of other places on the internet that people can learn about keto. If my page stopped everyone would just search for the next one.  It’s not like mine is perfect anyhow.  I fail more times with my weight and diet than I succeed.  I don’t want to be the example of failure anymore.  Friends have already started to move on.  On to shiny new friends who are cooler and better at being a friend.  I really don’t blame them.  I feel bad for anyone who has me as a friend.  I’m sad all the time.  I keep to myself.  I don’t answer phone calls.  Im even bad at returning texts.  I disappear often.  And just cut the world out.  I do care for these people though, I swear.  I just don’t know how to show it properly. 
Happiness isn’t something that my mind understands.  Fake happiness that just comes through as numbness.  Just like all the other emotions.  Except for sadness.  Why can’t there be a mental illness that makes you only feel happiness?  The chemicals in your brain make you feel like anything is possible and everything is perfect all the time.  I want that illness.  Not this bullshit one I have. 

I decided to start taking my meds again.  Idk if I’ve mentioned that recently.  Maybe I did.  I can’t remember.  My friend filled them for me and brought them to me.  I love her.  She’s good to me.  I wish I could be as good to her.  She deserves it more than anyone in the world.  I wonder if she is happy that I’m going to take my meds again.  I just want someone to be proud of me.  I want my family to be proud of me.  No matter what I will always be the child who can never make it on her own.  But do I blame my illness? Or am I really just a shit person?  I do try to be good at things.  At life.  So hard.  Hoping to finally do something right. 

I just want to do something right. 

Ramble 

I realize just how much time I spend criticizing myself in my head. 
So much that I can’t even focus on what’s in front of me. Why are you like this? Why can’t you manage your weight like you used to? You’re disgusting. You’re a disappointment. Why did you wear this outfit today, you look horrible. You look fat. Sit up straight. Why are you slouching. It makes you look fatter. Stop thinking about shit that happened forever ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. But wait, it does matter. Concentrate on what they’re saying to you. Don’t tune them out. Pay attention. Ask a question. Show them you’re paying attention. Stop slouching. Did you remember to answer that email? Fuck. Answer that email. Why didn’t you take your meds today? Take them when you get home. Where is your motivation. Why are you so unhappy. 

I live inside my mind. 

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in life. I thought meds were supposed to help me with that. I feel let down in a way. 

But I press on. Willing myself to take them at the proper times each day. Hell, sometimes just willing myself to take them at all. Patterns just aren’t my thing apparently. 

The internet is a scary place. I used to feel so free and happy about posting things or talking about certain things about myself to friends and vice versa. we were all just forming friendships and support; Building a family. But now I feel nervous sometimes to open back up like that. The feeling in the back of my head that you’re just being judged. It sucks to think you can’t please everyone. Like it’s my own shortcoming. I just want everyone to be good. 

I just want to have fun again. I’m tired of things always being so serious. My journey was so much easier that way. I stayed on track more. Creating recipes excited me. I wasn’t as depressed. I had a purpose. Now I just feel like a nuisance. 

So you say, alright. This is it. I’m gonna take a break for a little while. Go be ME. But seriously what the fuck does that even mean. Sure, I have way too many hobbies but my passion IS where I choose to put it most. But how does that define? I live with this overwhelming feeling that something is missing. But can never quite figure it out. But the internet gives me gratitude sometimes. Often gives me joy. So we all come back. It’s become a psychological drug. 

Hi, if you’ve made it this far and you’re new here? Hello, I live with depression, high anxiety and I’m bipolar. PCOS and gluten intolerant. We all have our shit I guess. 

Are you uncomfortable now? 

It’s ok, I am too. 

I think I change my hair so much because I’m waiting for that right color that makes me feel complete. Confident even. The adventure is fun though. The never ending search for contentment. 

How do you get that fire back. How do you stop feeling like a failure. How do I get myself to stop getting up and eating cereal in the middle of the night. I feel like a brick wall that’s been smashed into by a speeding car. Oh wait… bad analogy. But still time consuming to reconstruct. I need to reconstruct. 

I need to reconstruct. 

6/19/2017 Keto Restart (entry 1)

Sheesh. What a year it has been already. Without dwelling all over again, I was in a car accident in April. And ever since then my diet has suffered. It’s not that I gave up, I just became complacent. At the beginning of my week I jumped right back in the cold water. No toe dipping for this chick. It’s all or nothing. Always.

Restart Weight: 165.8

What I ate:  Monday – Eggs with butter and cream cheese, chicken broth, half a pork chop, asparagus with parm cheese and half an avocado with onion and tomato.  Tuesday – A pepperoni Real Good Pizza with an egg on top, a Hardees lettuce wrapped burger with a side of orange and yellow peppers. Wednesday – A salami, cheese and olive snack pack, baked chicken breasts.

The transition back has actually been easy. Just like riding a bike. And its where my heart is anyway. So lets do this!!!!! I’m not really going to announce this yet on my other platforms as i’m getting my bearings back, as to not disappoint.  But I will be keeping track here and doing daily entries!

Til Tomorrow!

Strawberry Cheesecake Mini-Pie’s

Crust 

1 cup almond flour 

2.5 tbsp butter (melted) 

1 tsp sweetener (I used 3 packets because it was all I had on hand) You can use whatever sweetener your prefer. 


*Melt butter in the micro for 30 secs and then mix together with the almond flour and sweetener until it forms a soft meal texture!


**Tip– I used small glazed stoneware bowls and to avoid cracking the glaze, go ahead and pat the crust into the bowls and put them in the oven and then turn it on to 350 and let the bowls preheat with the oven** 


*After the oven preheats, bake the crust for 15 mins! 


Filling

1 sugar free jello pudding packet; cheesecake flavor 

1 cup milk

1/5 cup heavy whipping cream 

*Mix together all ingredients until the pudding sets; pop into the fridge to thicken while the crust bakes. 

*After the crust has cooled you can fill them with the pudding mixture!


* I then heated up 2 tbsp sugar free strawberry jam to mix into the top of the pie! 




Enjoy! 🙂

**Sorry about the use of the milk, for my keto friends. I knew it wouldn’t set properly using just the cream. I am though going to experiment with a cream and water mixture next time, so we shall see how that turns out!**
Per one pie: 24.5g carb, 9g sugar, 14g dietary fiber 

Spinach Balls 

It seems that every yummy recipe calls for bread crumbs.  So I had the idea to make some out of almond flour while simultaneously using up a bag of spinach before it passed it prime.  The result was quite glorious…. 

What you will need for the “Bread Crumbs” — 

2/3 cup almond flour 

2 tbsp melted butter (I used Kerry Gold) 

*mix both together until crumb like texture; bake at 350 for 20 mins – stir; bake for additional 10 mins.  Set aside to cool and “dry” out. 

What you will need for the Spinach Balls — 

6 cups fresh spinach leaves 

3 eggs 

1/2 cup shredded cheese (I’m sure any would be delicious; I chose to use a white Italian blend)

1 tsp garlic powder 

1 tsp seasoning of choice (I used McCormick Montreal Steak seasoning) 

1/2 tsp salt 

& the bread crumb mixture 

*I heated a pan with half a cup of water and wilted down all of the spinach; drained on a paper towel. **make sure to squeeze any remaining water from the spinach before adding it to the other ingredients. I made the rook mistake with half of it before I realized my mistake** 

Combine all ingredients together until mixed completely; use a spoon or cookie scoop to form balls.  Bake at 180 for 20 mins; then raise heat to 350 and bake an additional 15 mins. **baking at the low temp first will help dry them out without burning them** 

These turned out way better than I had anticipated! I mixed up a little dipping sauce too with some sour cream, lemon juice and Montreal seasoning! Enjoy!!