I’m breaking up w/ Instagram

I dont know when I will be back.  Or if at all.  But right now its just somewhere I cannot be. Ive had my keto profile for about 3 years now and I feel like its all been for nothing.  I think in these three years people have forgotten that I am a person.  A real person with a life,  feelings, thoughts, opinions and rights.  Rights to post whatever I feel like and in no context but my own.  And people are so quick to flip the switch when you choose to do something out of the norm.  I feel like some people think they have a right to dictate what I do and have their own opinion about what I post and how my life should be.  So the second I try to do something for myself, or change something, all hell breaks loose and I catch nothing but flack for it.  It hurts me to no end that someone can be the shittiest person to me and say the most cruel shit to me, and thats TOTALLY OK.  But when I try to defend myself im the bad guy.  Of course Im going to be on the defensive when someone is attacking me. Especially for no good reason.  No one can sit there and say they wouldnt be if it was happening to them.  It’s easy for people to say “don’t worry about”, “just ignore them”. Do you know how many times I’ve done that? Tried that? It’s wears on you. Chips away little but little until you feel like complete shit about yourself because your constantly attacked over the stupidest things. Over these years ive had to thicken my skin just to be able to be online. I cant even begin to tell you the messages and comments I have to weed through daily of people being hateful just because they can.  So I have grown unsympathetic to anyone who is trying to bring negativity and hate to my page.  Social Media is a funny animal that way.  Its completely acceptable to be an asshole, call people names, tell someone their wrong, shove your opinions down their throat.  But the second you fight back, you are the worst of them all.  It makes zero sense to me.  Its a place that just doesnt bring me happiness anymore. I’m just a girl on the internet. A girl that can so easily be made fun of by insignificant humans who have nothing better to do with their time than tear other humans down by one snippet they happen to walk in on.  What they say or do has nothing to do with my worth of the kind of person I am. I am content with the type of human I am and what I have done and will do with MY life. Everything else is just static. 

I feel like im ending a relationship with someone. One that is/was extremely important to me.  This was all more than just an Instagram profile to me.  My heart is truly broken that it has come to this point.  This community used to be the brightest spot in my dark life. I gave so much of myself and my time to thousands of people.  Giving advice.  Giving support with keto. Providing recipes and meal ideas.  Building relationships and trust. Because I wanted to help people and share my passion for keto.  But all of that gets so easily forgotten.  Im physically and mentally exhausted from trying to live my life and just do what feels right in my own choices.  I guess my mistake was trying to share that as well. I’m going to miss so many people.  Women I looked up to. Connections I’ve made.  People who were always there for me.  But the bad has finally started to outweigh the good. I’ve got way too many other important things going on in my life right now to be dealing with all this drama every day. I want to be able to freely explore other ways of eating without being greeted by an argument. I just want to be free, live my life and find some goodness again.  I’m going to turn my full attention to my wedding planning and my business.  

Here’s to hoping that one day people can see the weight of their actions.

More ramble 

When was the last time you thought that the world would be better without you? We’ve all thought it, you know you have.  I think about it pretty frequently.  I think it’s normal to a certain extent.  But sometimes it’s just like, ok enough is enough.  Why do we even exist? Life is hard as fuck and it never gets easier.  The “good” moments in life are so few and far between that seriously it’s not even worth it.  You work your ass off to be good at something and you still fail.  You try to be a good person and still end up hurting someone.  You try to do the right thing and still fuck it all up.  A never ending cycle of disappointment.  And who gets to pay for all of your mistakes? The people closest to you.  Whose lives would improve 100 percent if you weren’t around.  Because you’re that failure in their life.  You’re that person hurting them.  You’re that person fucking up their life.  So why not remove that factor.  Finally do something good by removing yourself.  That’s really the only way I feel like I can be the best version of myself.  The version that isn’t around. 
There’s plenty of other places on the internet that people can learn about keto. If my page stopped everyone would just search for the next one.  It’s not like mine is perfect anyhow.  I fail more times with my weight and diet than I succeed.  I don’t want to be the example of failure anymore.  Friends have already started to move on.  On to shiny new friends who are cooler and better at being a friend.  I really don’t blame them.  I feel bad for anyone who has me as a friend.  I’m sad all the time.  I keep to myself.  I don’t answer phone calls.  Im even bad at returning texts.  I disappear often.  And just cut the world out.  I do care for these people though, I swear.  I just don’t know how to show it properly. 
Happiness isn’t something that my mind understands.  Fake happiness that just comes through as numbness.  Just like all the other emotions.  Except for sadness.  Why can’t there be a mental illness that makes you only feel happiness?  The chemicals in your brain make you feel like anything is possible and everything is perfect all the time.  I want that illness.  Not this bullshit one I have. 

I decided to start taking my meds again.  Idk if I’ve mentioned that recently.  Maybe I did.  I can’t remember.  My friend filled them for me and brought them to me.  I love her.  She’s good to me.  I wish I could be as good to her.  She deserves it more than anyone in the world.  I wonder if she is happy that I’m going to take my meds again.  I just want someone to be proud of me.  I want my family to be proud of me.  No matter what I will always be the child who can never make it on her own.  But do I blame my illness? Or am I really just a shit person?  I do try to be good at things.  At life.  So hard.  Hoping to finally do something right. 

I just want to do something right. 

Ramble 

I realize just how much time I spend criticizing myself in my head. 
So much that I can’t even focus on what’s in front of me. Why are you like this? Why can’t you manage your weight like you used to? You’re disgusting. You’re a disappointment. Why did you wear this outfit today, you look horrible. You look fat. Sit up straight. Why are you slouching. It makes you look fatter. Stop thinking about shit that happened forever ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. But wait, it does matter. Concentrate on what they’re saying to you. Don’t tune them out. Pay attention. Ask a question. Show them you’re paying attention. Stop slouching. Did you remember to answer that email? Fuck. Answer that email. Why didn’t you take your meds today? Take them when you get home. Where is your motivation. Why are you so unhappy. 

I live inside my mind. 

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much in life. I thought meds were supposed to help me with that. I feel let down in a way. 

But I press on. Willing myself to take them at the proper times each day. Hell, sometimes just willing myself to take them at all. Patterns just aren’t my thing apparently. 

The internet is a scary place. I used to feel so free and happy about posting things or talking about certain things about myself to friends and vice versa. we were all just forming friendships and support; Building a family. But now I feel nervous sometimes to open back up like that. The feeling in the back of my head that you’re just being judged. It sucks to think you can’t please everyone. Like it’s my own shortcoming. I just want everyone to be good. 

I just want to have fun again. I’m tired of things always being so serious. My journey was so much easier that way. I stayed on track more. Creating recipes excited me. I wasn’t as depressed. I had a purpose. Now I just feel like a nuisance. 

So you say, alright. This is it. I’m gonna take a break for a little while. Go be ME. But seriously what the fuck does that even mean. Sure, I have way too many hobbies but my passion IS where I choose to put it most. But how does that define? I live with this overwhelming feeling that something is missing. But can never quite figure it out. But the internet gives me gratitude sometimes. Often gives me joy. So we all come back. It’s become a psychological drug. 

Hi, if you’ve made it this far and you’re new here? Hello, I live with depression, high anxiety and I’m bipolar. PCOS and gluten intolerant. We all have our shit I guess. 

Are you uncomfortable now? 

It’s ok, I am too. 

I think I change my hair so much because I’m waiting for that right color that makes me feel complete. Confident even. The adventure is fun though. The never ending search for contentment. 

How do you get that fire back. How do you stop feeling like a failure. How do I get myself to stop getting up and eating cereal in the middle of the night. I feel like a brick wall that’s been smashed into by a speeding car. Oh wait… bad analogy. But still time consuming to reconstruct. I need to reconstruct. 

I need to reconstruct. 

6/19/2017 Keto Restart (entry 1)

Sheesh. What a year it has been already. Without dwelling all over again, I was in a car accident in April. And ever since then my diet has suffered. It’s not that I gave up, I just became complacent. At the beginning of my week I jumped right back in the cold water. No toe dipping for this chick. It’s all or nothing. Always.

Restart Weight: 165.8

What I ate:  Monday – Eggs with butter and cream cheese, chicken broth, half a pork chop, asparagus with parm cheese and half an avocado with onion and tomato.  Tuesday – A pepperoni Real Good Pizza with an egg on top, a Hardees lettuce wrapped burger with a side of orange and yellow peppers. Wednesday – A salami, cheese and olive snack pack, baked chicken breasts.

The transition back has actually been easy. Just like riding a bike. And its where my heart is anyway. So lets do this!!!!! I’m not really going to announce this yet on my other platforms as i’m getting my bearings back, as to not disappoint.  But I will be keeping track here and doing daily entries!

Til Tomorrow!

Strawberry Cheesecake Mini-Pie’s

Crust 

1 cup almond flour 

2.5 tbsp butter (melted) 

1 tsp sweetener (I used 3 packets because it was all I had on hand) You can use whatever sweetener your prefer. 


*Melt butter in the micro for 30 secs and then mix together with the almond flour and sweetener until it forms a soft meal texture!


**Tip– I used small glazed stoneware bowls and to avoid cracking the glaze, go ahead and pat the crust into the bowls and put them in the oven and then turn it on to 350 and let the bowls preheat with the oven** 


*After the oven preheats, bake the crust for 15 mins! 


Filling

1 sugar free jello pudding packet; cheesecake flavor 

1 cup milk

1/5 cup heavy whipping cream 

*Mix together all ingredients until the pudding sets; pop into the fridge to thicken while the crust bakes. 

*After the crust has cooled you can fill them with the pudding mixture!


* I then heated up 2 tbsp sugar free strawberry jam to mix into the top of the pie! 




Enjoy! 🙂

**Sorry about the use of the milk, for my keto friends. I knew it wouldn’t set properly using just the cream. I am though going to experiment with a cream and water mixture next time, so we shall see how that turns out!**
Per one pie: 24.5g carb, 9g sugar, 14g dietary fiber 

Spinach Balls 

It seems that every yummy recipe calls for bread crumbs.  So I had the idea to make some out of almond flour while simultaneously using up a bag of spinach before it passed it prime.  The result was quite glorious…. 

What you will need for the “Bread Crumbs” — 

2/3 cup almond flour 

2 tbsp melted butter (I used Kerry Gold) 

*mix both together until crumb like texture; bake at 350 for 20 mins – stir; bake for additional 10 mins.  Set aside to cool and “dry” out. 

What you will need for the Spinach Balls — 

6 cups fresh spinach leaves 

3 eggs 

1/2 cup shredded cheese (I’m sure any would be delicious; I chose to use a white Italian blend)

1 tsp garlic powder 

1 tsp seasoning of choice (I used McCormick Montreal Steak seasoning) 

1/2 tsp salt 

& the bread crumb mixture 

*I heated a pan with half a cup of water and wilted down all of the spinach; drained on a paper towel. **make sure to squeeze any remaining water from the spinach before adding it to the other ingredients. I made the rook mistake with half of it before I realized my mistake** 

Combine all ingredients together until mixed completely; use a spoon or cookie scoop to form balls.  Bake at 180 for 20 mins; then raise heat to 350 and bake an additional 15 mins. **baking at the low temp first will help dry them out without burning them** 

These turned out way better than I had anticipated! I mixed up a little dipping sauce too with some sour cream, lemon juice and Montreal seasoning! Enjoy!! 

Srirachoy Is Here!

The time has FINALLY come!!!!! My sauce is finally available!!!!!! It all still feels like a dream! I don’t think it will feel real until im in the kitchen this weekend making up my first giant batch!!! I cannot thank everyone enough for seeing me through this entire process and always having my back! I can’t wait to see where this takes us!

You can purchase a jar on my new website! http://www.Srirachoy.com

If you don’t know about Srirachoy yet, It’s a low carb/keto friendly sauce that I have created! It’s a sweet and spicy combination suitable for meats and veggies! I’ve seen folks use it as a dipping sauce, dressings, etc.  It’s possibilities are only limited to your imagination!